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tftv safe space (no harassment plz)
posted in Off Topic
391
#391
2 Frags +

i ruined my shot at being good because of emotional dysregulation issues

sometimes this happens in game and i don't know why: i go into a weird depressive spiral, where i feel sick and physically unable to speak or communicate, with a deep feeling of dread/hopelessness and i stop trying in whatever i'm doing at the time. the feeling won't go back to normal unless i go to sleep. this happened in a lot of important officials like 4-5 years ago and pretty much every team i've ever been on has kicked me because of these unexplained throws. i feel fucking awful for it, but it feels completely impossible to stop it from happening when something triggers it

(if anyone remembers the huntsman meme from hl nations cup then yeah)

i ruined my shot at being good because of emotional dysregulation issues

sometimes this happens in game and i don't know why: i go into a weird depressive spiral, where i feel sick and physically unable to speak or communicate, with a deep feeling of dread/hopelessness and i stop trying in whatever i'm doing at the time. the feeling won't go back to normal unless i go to sleep. this happened in a lot of important officials like 4-5 years ago and pretty much every team i've ever been on has kicked me because of these unexplained throws. i feel fucking awful for it, but it feels completely impossible to stop it from happening when something triggers it

(if anyone remembers the huntsman meme from hl nations cup then yeah)
392
#392
19 Frags +

posting suicide memes on the internet almost cost me my job recently, don't let people link your personal information to your online presence if you can help it boys

posting suicide memes on the internet almost cost me my job recently, don't let people link your personal information to your online presence if you can help it boys
393
#393
0 Frags +
Snowdreami ruined my shot at being good because of emotional dysregulation issues

sometimes this happens in game and i don't know why: i go into a weird depressive spiral, where i feel sick and physically unable to speak or communicate, with a deep feeling of dread/hopelessness and i stop trying in whatever i'm doing at the time. the feeling won't go back to normal unless i go to sleep. this happened in a lot of important officials like 4-5 years ago and pretty much every team i've ever been on has kicked me because of these unexplained throws. i feel fucking awful for it, but it feels completely impossible to stop it from happening when something triggers it

(if anyone remembers the huntsman meme from hl nations cup then yeah)

you can always bounce back. if you were once good then you can polish your playstyle and reach it again, and even surpass it. maybe you just plateau'd and were getting fed up with feeling stuck? if im being honest your issue sounds similar to a lot of people here, and i believe inconsistency as you described is in part due to a bad mental state. you may want to talk to someone irl about it, and i always advocate at least giving therapy a shot. if youve tried that before then i must remind you that it takes a while to find a therapist you connect with and it is worth pursuing. i had to go through three different clinics before i found one that was a reasonable commute, accepted my insurance, and ultimately felt like it was full of caring practitioners. even then, i went through another four doctors until i found one that i could connect with and felt i was making progress with.

remember that the mental state you are in is not permanent, and humans generally want to help other humans. especially if it is someone that they can relate to. a lot of therapists are in their job because they too have gone through difficult times and sincerely wish to help.

[quote=Snowdream]i ruined my shot at being good because of emotional dysregulation issues

sometimes this happens in game and i don't know why: i go into a weird depressive spiral, where i feel sick and physically unable to speak or communicate, with a deep feeling of dread/hopelessness and i stop trying in whatever i'm doing at the time. the feeling won't go back to normal unless i go to sleep. this happened in a lot of important officials like 4-5 years ago and pretty much every team i've ever been on has kicked me because of these unexplained throws. i feel fucking awful for it, but it feels completely impossible to stop it from happening when something triggers it

(if anyone remembers the huntsman meme from hl nations cup then yeah)[/quote]
you can always bounce back. if you were once good then you can polish your playstyle and reach it again, and even surpass it. maybe you just plateau'd and were getting fed up with feeling stuck? if im being honest your issue sounds similar to a lot of people here, and i believe inconsistency as you described is in part due to a bad mental state. you may want to talk to someone irl about it, and i always advocate at least giving therapy a shot. if youve tried that before then i must remind you that it takes a while to find a therapist you connect with and it is worth pursuing. i had to go through three different clinics before i found one that was a reasonable commute, accepted my insurance, and ultimately felt like it was full of caring practitioners. even then, i went through another four doctors until i found one that i could connect with and felt i was making progress with.

remember that the mental state you are in is not permanent, and humans generally want to help other humans. especially if it is someone that they can relate to. a lot of therapists are in their job because they too have gone through difficult times and sincerely wish to help.
394
#394
2 Frags +

my highly inflated yet extremely fragile ego gets popped sometimes and when it does i'm the only one in the world who knows true suffering

my highly inflated yet extremely fragile ego gets popped sometimes and when it does i'm the only one in the world who knows true suffering
395
#395
7 Frags +

Update on my dog:

My dog is going to be put to sleep, she has too many health problems at this point and she is dying slowly, and she has really no chance of survival at this point. I am the last person in this world to want her be put to sleep, but there is no other option....

EDIT: Ok my dog might not be put to sleep since my dad really despises it, after discussion with fellow vet relatives he might take her to a ER vet. It will be expensive and will not guarantee healing her, a decision will be made tomorrow.

Update on my dog:

[s]My dog is going to be put to sleep, she has too many health problems at this point and she is dying slowly, and she has really no chance of survival at this point. I am the last person in this world to want her be put to sleep, but there is no other option.... [/s]

EDIT: Ok my dog might not be put to sleep since my dad really despises it, after discussion with fellow vet relatives he might take her to a ER vet. It will be expensive and will not guarantee healing her, a decision will be made tomorrow.
396
#396
1 Frags +

[*]

i miss my dog :(

[*]

i miss my dog :(
397
#397
2 Frags +

I'll just never be decent at this game. I am aware that this type of thinking is holding me back, so every game I play I get those kind of thoughts and I have to focus onto fighting them so I can't focus on the game, tilting me even further.

I'll just never be decent at this game. I am aware that this type of thinking is holding me back, so every game I play I get those kind of thoughts and I have to focus onto fighting them so I can't focus on the game, tilting me even further.
398
#398
9 Frags +

i got kicked out of my band for memeing 2 hard on some girl in my dorm 4 years ago cuz this guy who runs a diy venue found out about it and banned me for it. all i did was tell her im an autismo neckbeard <_>

i got kicked out of my band for memeing 2 hard on some girl in my dorm 4 years ago cuz this guy who runs a diy venue found out about it and banned me for it. all i did was tell her im an autismo neckbeard <_>
399
#399
18 Frags +

I had to put down my dog today, It hurts so much but it had to be done. Unfortunately her recovery was short lived and it was just too hard to keep her alive. Her name was cookie, lived to be 15 years old, and would have loved everyone of you dudes if you got to meet her. My heart also goes to any fellow people that recently lost relatives/friends of any kind

I had to put down my dog today, It hurts so much but it had to be done. Unfortunately her recovery was short lived and it was just too hard to keep her alive. Her name was cookie, lived to be 15 years old, and would have loved everyone of you dudes if you got to meet her. My heart also goes to any fellow people that recently lost relatives/friends of any kind
400
#400
3 Frags +

we are now edating please do not try to talk to my e-boyfriend or else there will be problems thanks

https://puu.sh/AOHHK/60603f04a0.jpg

https://puu.sh/AOHHf/70aa7ab698.jpg

we are now edating please do not try to talk to my e-boyfriend or else there will be problems thanks
[img]https://puu.sh/AOHHK/60603f04a0.jpg[/img]
[img]https://puu.sh/AOHHf/70aa7ab698.jpg[/img]
401
#401
-1 Frags +

grats

grats
402
#402
5 Frags +

ive been feeling really detached and depressed these past couple of weeks. sometimes when i wake up i get really upset and cry a whole bunch in bed, and don't feel like getting up
i have alot of things bothering me deep down, but i feel very hesitant and uncomfortable talking to literally anyone about it? i dont even want to talk to my irl best friends about it, because i feel like im just fucking bothering them and making them worry and feel sorry for me, which makes me wonder if i even want to be helped at all, and that scares me

ive been feeling really detached and depressed these past couple of weeks. sometimes when i wake up i get really upset and cry a whole bunch in bed, and don't feel like getting up
i have alot of things bothering me deep down, but i feel very hesitant and uncomfortable talking to literally anyone about it? i dont even want to talk to my irl best friends about it, because i feel like im just fucking bothering them and making them worry and feel sorry for me, which makes me wonder if i even want to be helped at all, and that scares me
403
#403
3 Frags +

I really miss my highlander bros. Summer of 2017 we spent close to every single day in our mumble talking and having an epic time. That summer was literally the best time of my life because of them, and now i almost never talk to them because of school and work. We we all had so much in common, but now i really only talk to my irl friends in discord which i share almost nothing in common with. It really blows saying anything about tf2 or quake and knowing that no one has the slightest clue about what youre talking about. Fuck real life dude i want to talk to my bros again :(

I really miss my highlander bros. Summer of 2017 we spent close to every single day in our mumble talking and having an epic time. That summer was literally the best time of my life because of them, and now i almost never talk to them because of school and work. We we all had so much in common, but now i really only talk to my irl friends in discord which i share almost nothing in common with. It really blows saying anything about tf2 or quake and knowing that no one has the slightest clue about what youre talking about. Fuck real life dude i want to talk to my bros again :(
404
#404
6 Frags +

my dog has colon cancer and he doesnt have much more time. he will eventually become so uncomfortable with his tumor that we will have to put him out of his misery. he's only 6 years old and chowskis have a life expectancy of 10-13 years. i didnt even want a dog 5 years ago when we adopted him but i am so thankful to have had such an amazing dog in my life. its truly unreal to me that he will be gone in the coming months.

my dog has colon cancer and he doesnt have much more time. he will eventually become so uncomfortable with his tumor that we will have to put him out of his misery. he's only 6 years old and chowskis have a life expectancy of 10-13 years. i didnt even want a dog 5 years ago when we adopted him but i am so thankful to have had such an amazing dog in my life. its truly unreal to me that he will be gone in the coming months.
405
#405
6 Frags +

absolutely shitting it for lan

absolutely shitting it for lan
406
#406
6 Frags +
AelkyrI'll just never be decent at this game. I am aware that this type of thinking is holding me back, so every game I play I get those kind of thoughts and I have to focus onto fighting them so I can't focus on the game, tilting me even further.

It depends on what is decent for your standards.
On one hand you might be bad compared to high/prem players (500 players?)
On another hand you're much more skilled at tf2 than 98% of pub players (a few million players?).

What's holding you back? Aim/movement, or decision making/teamplay?

If you have shit skills but good gamesense and good team play, I assure you that you can do well up to division 2, because that's what I did D:. If you have shit gamesense but good skills you can reach the same level too, as most dm donkeys prove it season after season (some go even higher)

You are also probably not looking at the right indicators for performance. IIRC you're scout, and I suspect that you keep a close eye on your logs, or even your K/D and damage on the scoreboard during games.

Here's an experiment : enable match hud (tf_use_match_hud) , unbind your scoreboard, turn off killfeed (hud_deathnotice_time). Play for your team, feed to support teammates, feed to buy time for your respawns, feed for the stickies attacking last. How's your team performing? Could you tell? I can assure you that being an annoyance for the enemy and an asset in comms for your team far eclipses any miserable K/D you might feel you have.

Hell even Giroud didn't do anything this world cup and he still won :)

Next, ask yourself why getting good feels so important to you that you go so hard on yourself. Maybe instead of wanting to focus on the game, as you say, you should focus on enjoying your time.

Show Content
On a positive note shitposting at work feels really good :)
[quote=Aelkyr]I'll just never be decent at this game. I am aware that this type of thinking is holding me back, so every game I play I get those kind of thoughts and I have to focus onto fighting them so I can't focus on the game, tilting me even further.[/quote]
It depends on what is decent for your standards.
On one hand you might be bad compared to high/prem players (500 players?)
On another hand you're much more skilled at tf2 than 98% of pub players (a few million players?).

What's holding you back? Aim/movement, or decision making/teamplay?

If you have shit skills but good gamesense and good team play, I assure you that you can do well up to division 2, because that's what I did D:. If you have shit gamesense but good skills you can reach the same level too, as most dm donkeys prove it season after season (some go even higher)

You are also probably not looking at the right indicators for performance. IIRC you're scout, and I suspect that you keep a close eye on your logs, or even your K/D and damage on the scoreboard during games.

Here's an experiment : enable match hud (tf_use_match_hud) , unbind your scoreboard, turn off killfeed (hud_deathnotice_time). Play for your team, feed to support teammates, feed to buy time for your respawns, feed for the stickies attacking last. How's your team performing? Could you tell? I can assure you that being an annoyance for the enemy and an asset in comms for your team far eclipses any miserable K/D you might feel you have.

Hell even Giroud didn't do anything this world cup and he still won :)

Next, ask yourself why getting good feels so important to you that you go so hard on yourself. Maybe instead of wanting to focus on the game, as you say, you should focus on enjoying your time.

[spoiler]
On a positive note shitposting at work feels really good :)[/spoiler]
407
#407
2 Frags +

i just lost my virginity to a girl to a random girl and looking back on it now i wish it was to someone that meant more to me

i just lost my virginity to a girl to a random girl and looking back on it now i wish it was to someone that meant more to me
408
#408
-2 Frags +
rmt

Was it a first for her as well?

[quote=rmt] [/quote]
Was it a first for her as well?
409
#409
0 Frags +
Robbeermt Was it a first for her as well?

no

[quote=Robbee][quote=rmt] [/quote]
Was it a first for her as well?[/quote]
no
410
#410
0 Frags +

-

-
411
#411
5 Frags +

I've had huge social issues and fluctuating bad depression for years. Often feel like an uninteresting, unlovable loser and that there's no one I can connect with/be understood by. Haven't really made any progress socially since I've been at uni. I know it's partly my fault since I don't exactly advertise myself as a friendly happy-go-lucky guy but I really don't want to have to be putting on a facade all the time.

Probably not unique problems among the gaming community.

I've had huge social issues and fluctuating bad depression for years. Often feel like an uninteresting, unlovable loser and that there's no one I can connect with/be understood by. Haven't really made any progress socially since I've been at uni. I know it's partly my fault since I don't exactly advertise myself as a friendly happy-go-lucky guy but I really don't want to have to be putting on a facade all the time.

Probably not unique problems among the gaming community.
412
#412
1 Frags +
holofernesI've had huge social issues and fluctuating bad depression for years. Often feel like an uninteresting, unlovable loser and that there's no one I can connect with/be understood by. Haven't really made any progress socially since I've been at uni. I know it's partly my fault since I don't exactly advertise myself as a friendly happy-go-lucky guy but I really don't want to have to be putting on a facade all the time.

Probably not unique problems among the gaming community.

where do you live?

[quote=holofernes]I've had huge social issues and fluctuating bad depression for years. Often feel like an uninteresting, unlovable loser and that there's no one I can connect with/be understood by. Haven't really made any progress socially since I've been at uni. I know it's partly my fault since I don't exactly advertise myself as a friendly happy-go-lucky guy but I really don't want to have to be putting on a facade all the time.

Probably not unique problems among the gaming community.[/quote]

where do you live?
413
#413
1 Frags +
Shiftawhere do you live?

uh Nelson. I'm not active in the ozf/oceania scene, played a bit years ago but now I'm just a lurker.

[quote=Shifta]
where do you live?[/quote]
uh Nelson. I'm not active in the ozf/oceania scene, played a bit years ago but now I'm just a lurker.
414
#414
2 Frags +
holofernesShiftawhere do you live?uh Nelson. I'm not active in the ozf/oceania scene, played a bit years ago but now I'm just a lurker.

if you were in wellington we could hang out :~)

[quote=holofernes][quote=Shifta]
where do you live?[/quote]
uh Nelson. I'm not active in the ozf/oceania scene, played a bit years ago but now I'm just a lurker.[/quote]

if you were in wellington we could hang out :~)
415
#415
1 Frags +
Shiftaif you were in wellington we could hang out :~)

Ah, well thanks mate.

[quote=Shifta]
if you were in wellington we could hang out :~)[/quote]
Ah, well thanks mate.
416
#416
2 Frags +

ur a good dude Shifta

ur a good dude Shifta
417
#417
9 Frags +

i told a friend of mine he could move in with me if he ever came back to town, not thinking he would ever want to come back to indiana

he just texted me saying he's thinking about coming back and i don't want a roommate anymore

i told a friend of mine he could move in with me if he ever came back to town, not thinking he would ever want to come back to indiana

he just texted me saying he's thinking about coming back and i don't want a roommate anymore
418
#418
33 Frags +

https://twitter.com/uberchain/status/1026205810823639040

https://twitter.com/uberchain/status/1026205810823639040
419
#419
10 Frags +

one of the first pugs i played in 6s was with some notable players, one of which shared with the rest of our team a post on tftv they thought was funny that said "they should let trans people in the military so they can get killed instead." at this point in 6s, not many people knew who i was or that i was trans, and i, like everyone else in the mumble at the time, stayed silent. some chuckled, but not much of response, positive or negative. this left a lasting impression on me as a tf2 player and from then on when i played tf2, after people found out i was trans, i was always on defense from people. when people find out about my gender, id constantly get asked about it or even just straight up pointed out for no reason. one time, even, a high level trans player in a pug that i hadn't met yet immediately said to me "you're a tranny right?" like that was just an okay thing to ask me. after stuff like this, im always tightly wound up and defensive around tf2 players im not friends with because i can never be sure they aren't going to berate, single out, or ostracize me for my gender, and i think because of this fear, i used to irrationally lash out a lot, and get angry when it probably wasnt warrented.

one of the first pugs i played in 6s was with some notable players, one of which shared with the rest of our team a post on tftv they thought was funny that said "they should let trans people in the military so they can get killed instead." at this point in 6s, not many people knew who i was or that i was trans, and i, like everyone else in the mumble at the time, stayed silent. some chuckled, but not much of response, positive or negative. this left a lasting impression on me as a tf2 player and from then on when i played tf2, after people found out i was trans, i was always on defense from people. when people find out about my gender, id constantly get asked about it or even just straight up pointed out for no reason. one time, even, a high level [b]trans[/b] player in a pug that i hadn't met yet immediately said to me "you're a tranny right?" like that was just an okay thing to ask me. after stuff like this, im always tightly wound up and defensive around tf2 players im not friends with because i can never be sure they aren't going to berate, single out, or ostracize me for my gender, and i think because of this fear, i used to irrationally lash out a lot, and get angry when it probably wasnt warrented.
420
#420
1 Frags +

This post really didn't age well

This post really didn't age well
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