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What's got you down?
posted in Off Topic
91
#91
9 Frags +

I feel like what tojo said is the truest shit I've ever read and it really bums me out that more people aren't talking about it. I just want to get better at this game and start playing it more. It really sucks that if you look at any other successful game (league, apex, cs, dota, overwatch) you can play the competitive versions of those games literally whenever you want. You can queue and practice at your convenience you can basically always find teams trying to scrim cs at any time and right now more than ever it feels like we're relegated to playing this game between 10-12. I just think about how much better everyone would be at this game if we had the opportunity to play it when we wanted and I can't fault a lot of people that play other games before scrims but it does suck.

The real piece of shit is that the As servers have been getting DDOS'd and now I get 80 ping to the mge server so I can't play pub mge, can't play dm until the optimal dm hours of like 8-930 if i can get in. This shit blows and I wish b4nny would either play pugchamp to try to revive high level pugs so hopefully the rest of the community follows suit or at this point I think a lot of us would take faceit over the current state of NA pugs. It's like all the B pug players started doing inhouses or playing other games and people didn't realize they were the foundation of pugchamp. I look through my friends list and under the comp tag I have around 1/3rd of the people there don't play this game anymore. I've talked about this with friends and some say it'll be better in the summer but idk... that's honestly depressing if our game is lively in the summer and seemingly dead during all other season. I had a friend message me the other day asking where pugs were now bc he just assumed pugchamp was dead after looking at it on sunday evening. I told him that's all there is unless you know of an inhouse group that's playing rn.

This nerd essay is getting away from me at this point I think what happened this invite season is fucking awesome and players that hovered around low to mid invite got opportunities to play with really great players and have really been coming into their own this season so I remain hopeful. However when I look at IM and lower and think off all the opportunities to improve that these players are now missing that these already high invite players got to take full advantage of (like coming up in the prime of pugchamp, when dm servers were actually full for more than an hour or two a night, when you didn't have double your ping in mge) I know it will only negatively impact the game in the long run.

I feel like what tojo said is the truest shit I've ever read and it really bums me out that more people aren't talking about it. I just want to get better at this game and start playing it more. It really sucks that if you look at any other successful game (league, apex, cs, dota, overwatch) you can play the competitive versions of those games literally whenever you want. You can queue and practice at your convenience you can basically always find teams trying to scrim cs at any time and right now more than ever it feels like we're relegated to playing this game between 10-12. I just think about how much better everyone would be at this game if we had the opportunity to play it when we wanted and I can't fault a lot of people that play other games before scrims but it does suck.

The real piece of shit is that the As servers have been getting DDOS'd and now I get 80 ping to the mge server so I can't play pub mge, can't play dm until the optimal dm hours of like 8-930 if i can get in. This shit blows and I wish b4nny would either play pugchamp to try to revive high level pugs so hopefully the rest of the community follows suit or at this point I think a lot of us would take faceit over the current state of NA pugs. It's like all the B pug players started doing inhouses or playing other games and people didn't realize they were the foundation of pugchamp. I look through my friends list and under the comp tag I have around 1/3rd of the people there don't play this game anymore. I've talked about this with friends and some say it'll be better in the summer but idk... that's honestly depressing if our game is lively in the summer and seemingly dead during all other season. I had a friend message me the other day asking where pugs were now bc he just assumed pugchamp was dead after looking at it on sunday evening. I told him that's all there is unless you know of an inhouse group that's playing rn.

This nerd essay is getting away from me at this point I think what happened this invite season is fucking awesome and players that hovered around low to mid invite got opportunities to play with really great players and have really been coming into their own this season so I remain hopeful. However when I look at IM and lower and think off all the opportunities to improve that these players are now missing that these already high invite players got to take full advantage of (like coming up in the prime of pugchamp, when dm servers were actually full for more than an hour or two a night, when you didn't have double your ping in mge) I know it will only negatively impact the game in the long run.
92
#92
4 Frags +

being so toxic is coming back to bite me.

pugchamp is basically dead, and even when there are people added i dont get picked because people dont want to play with me
i cant play inhouses because no one wants to play with me.
i dont have time to join a team because of school.
mge blows and i dont want to play that shit anymore
i basically cant even play this game because its impossible to play competitive for me because of my personality.
://///

being so toxic is coming back to bite me.

pugchamp is basically dead, and even when there are people added i dont get picked because people dont want to play with me
i cant play inhouses because no one wants to play with me.
i dont have time to join a team because of school.
mge blows and i dont want to play that shit anymore
i basically cant even play this game because its impossible to play competitive for me because of my personality.
://///
93
#93
14 Frags +

honestly i think most people don't play pugs because of the people that are on them not because the game died (which also explains the amount of inhouses that are being run instead of people adding up to pugchamp), the playerbase has been the same for a few years now lol

honestly i think most people don't play pugs because of the people that are on them not because the game died (which also explains the amount of inhouses that are being run instead of people adding up to pugchamp), the playerbase has been the same for a few years now lol
94
#94
8 Frags +
ninjaxhonestly i think most people don't play pugs because of the people that are on them not because the game died (which also explains the amount of inhouses that are being run instead of people adding up to pugchamp), the playerbase has been the same for a few years now lol

I never said the game was dead. My primary points were that pugs are dead and the resources for players on the come up are very limited currently. I said the game is seemingly dead because thats how the game seems, no one in dm, no one on pugchamp, you basically can't play this game outside of scrims. I agree that the playerbase is probably very similar but the amount of people who aren't playing this game outside of scrims is imo the highest it's ever been.

[quote=ninjax]honestly i think most people don't play pugs because of the people that are on them not because the game died (which also explains the amount of inhouses that are being run instead of people adding up to pugchamp), the playerbase has been the same for a few years now lol[/quote]
I never said the game was dead. My primary points were that pugs are dead and the resources for players on the come up are very limited currently. I said the game is seemingly dead because thats how the game seems, no one in dm, no one on pugchamp, you basically can't play this game outside of scrims. I agree that the playerbase is probably very similar but the amount of people who aren't playing this game outside of scrims is imo the highest it's ever been.
95
#95
7 Frags +

I know it's better for myself to not play this game or do anything else related to it online. I announced that I would quit, so I could spend all that time I'd spend in tf2 on more usesul things, but here I am. Back already. I still love the game, but it's too much of a distraction for me. Even if I'm not playing, I watch/read other tf2 stuff and it's an easy timekiller.

I wish I could find a balance between doing the important things in my life and enjoying the game.

I know it's better for myself to not play this game or do anything else related to it online. I announced that I would quit, so I could spend all that time I'd spend in tf2 on more usesul things, but here I am. Back already. I still love the game, but it's too much of a distraction for me. Even if I'm not playing, I watch/read other tf2 stuff and it's an easy timekiller.

I wish I could find a balance between doing the important things in my life and enjoying the game.
96
#96
6 Frags +
Aubriac

Just thought I'd give you a couple of tips.. this is something that has been affecting me for years as well

-Something I've been doing which has helped a lot is holding myself accountable to do things by telling other people about them. Being self-motivated is my end goal but for now, just mentioning in conversation whatever I'd like to get done that day or my current goals really helps me follow through--having friends with common interests is even better bc you can compete w each other, whether that's working out, playing an instrument, etc. Hold yourself accountable.
-Keep in mind you only have one life. I love tf2 and I realized pulling myself away from one of my biggest passions was not healthy for my mental. As long as you moderate your playing enough that it doesn't impede into the rest of your life it really can't be that bad. If you love to do something, it is useful.
-Check out self-improvement stuff on youtube, some is corny but overall it really does work. Gary vee is one of my favorites
-If you need someone to talk to I would love to help, feel free to add me :]

[quote=Aubriac][/quote]
Just thought I'd give you a couple of tips.. this is something that has been affecting me for years as well

-Something I've been doing which has helped a lot is holding myself accountable to do things by telling other people about them. Being self-motivated is my end goal but for now, just mentioning in conversation whatever I'd like to get done that day or my current goals really helps me follow through--having friends with common interests is even better bc you can compete w each other, whether that's working out, playing an instrument, etc. Hold yourself accountable.
-Keep in mind you only have one life. I love tf2 and I realized pulling myself away from one of my biggest passions was not healthy for my mental. As long as you moderate your playing enough that it doesn't impede into the rest of your life it really can't be that bad. If you love to do something, it is useful.
-Check out self-improvement stuff on youtube, some is corny but overall it really does work. Gary vee is one of my favorites
-If you need someone to talk to I would love to help, feel free to add me :]
97
#97
-2 Frags +

Isn't participation in league play and pugs usually down in the winter seasons? I remember this being a recurring theme in older threads, people just said it's always pretty dead in the winter due to most of tf2's player base being highschool and college kids and they need to focus on school.

Isn't participation in league play and pugs usually down in the winter seasons? I remember this being a recurring theme in older threads, people just said it's always pretty dead in the winter due to most of tf2's player base being highschool and college kids and they need to focus on school.
98
#98
36 Frags +

my career as a tf2 gamer and an autistic god is being harassed by peasants daily

my career as a tf2 gamer and an autistic god is being harassed by peasants daily
99
#99
6 Frags +

in 3 months im going to graduate from HS and i dont know how im going to deal with not seeing people that i've known for 10+ years on a daily basis anymore. i know that i'll meet people in college but im an introvert and i dont want to make the same mistake i did from elementary up to early high school and take a long time to become close friends with people instead of friends with a lot of other kids but not talk to any of them outside of school

in 3 months im going to graduate from HS and i dont know how im going to deal with not seeing people that i've known for 10+ years on a daily basis anymore. i know that i'll meet people in college but im an introvert and i dont want to make the same mistake i did from elementary up to early high school and take a long time to become close friends with people instead of friends with a lot of other kids but not talk to any of them outside of school
100
#100
0 Frags +
Spuin 3 months im going to graduate from HS and i dont know how im going to deal with not seeing people that i've known for 10+ years on a daily basis anymore. i know that i'll meet people in college but im an introvert and i dont want to make the same mistake i did from elementary up to early high school and take a long time to become close friends with people instead of friends with a lot of other kids but not talk to any of them outside of school

As someone that struggled with the same thing, don't worry about it. I considered all of my classmates family, I would've taken a bullet for them, but now that I'm at Uni living my own life I barely talk to anyone from back home. As an introvert also, you'll probably find that you just make friends. If someone says hi, just say hi back. I was worried because I'm a pretty reclusive person but I found that if people made the effort to talk to me I should probably give them the same respect back, and I just gradually built up a new friend group

[quote=Spu]in 3 months im going to graduate from HS and i dont know how im going to deal with not seeing people that i've known for 10+ years on a daily basis anymore. i know that i'll meet people in college but im an introvert and i dont want to make the same mistake i did from elementary up to early high school and take a long time to become close friends with people instead of friends with a lot of other kids but not talk to any of them outside of school[/quote]

As someone that struggled with the same thing, don't worry about it. I considered all of my classmates family, I would've taken a bullet for them, but now that I'm at Uni living my own life I barely talk to anyone from back home. As an introvert also, you'll probably find that you just make friends. If someone says hi, just say hi back. I was worried because I'm a pretty reclusive person but I found that if people made the effort to talk to me I should probably give them the same respect back, and I just gradually built up a new friend group
101
#101
10 Frags +

all my friends have gone uni or died, online friends are retired/gone or dont like me anymore

all my friends have gone uni or died, online friends are retired/gone or dont like me anymore
102
#102
-7 Frags +
jevesonline friends are retired/gone or dont like me anymore

Explaining people in detail how you want them and their family to die doesn't really help with getting someone to like you tbh

[quote=jeves]online friends are retired/gone or dont like me anymore[/quote]
Explaining people in detail how you want them and their family to die doesn't really help with getting someone to like you tbh
103
#103
-6 Frags +

http://logs.tf/2236214

im getting bullied by everyone even my parents because of this

http://logs.tf/2236214

im getting bullied by everyone even my parents because of this
104
#104
-2 Frags +

unrequited love sucks man

unrequited love sucks man
105
#105
0 Frags +

Football supporters got me down.

For being such retarded sheeple, that will allow any criminal to enter their tribalistic playground and be part of their clubs and run an industry of fraud, human trade, tax evasion, drug abuse and rape payoffs.

Christiano Ronaldo is THE icon of modern day football and he represents everything wrong with this crazed bubble.
https://sports.vice.com/en_ca/article/a3pqab/ronaldo-is-an-icon-of-corruption-in-sports

Heres a guy who got accused multiple times (the first time was in 2005) of rape, but it's ok because hes such an icon it gets disregarded as fake news and the female victims as "golddigging whores who lie for money" and that's it, no further investigation or scrutiny required, go celebrate his hattrick :))) Just dont be surprised when the accusations come out to be all true like with michael jackson, so guess we gonna have to wait till he keels over before the public realises the obvious truth.
And of course lot worse things go on behind the scenes with bribery in the international football unions, to just your local "transfer commissions" by shady mongrels who are allowed to do their business becuase football clubs can get away with anything, and politicians will go on their knees to please them, so they can get vip seats in the nice little bubble away from the disgusting football plebs.

Football supporters got me down.

For being such retarded sheeple, that will allow any criminal to enter their tribalistic playground and be part of their clubs and run an industry of fraud, human trade, tax evasion, drug abuse and rape payoffs.

Christiano Ronaldo is THE icon of modern day football and he represents everything wrong with this crazed bubble.
https://sports.vice.com/en_ca/article/a3pqab/ronaldo-is-an-icon-of-corruption-in-sports

Heres a guy who got accused multiple times (the first time was in 2005) of rape, but it's ok because hes such an icon it gets disregarded as fake news and the female victims as "golddigging whores who lie for money" and that's it, no further investigation or scrutiny required, go celebrate his hattrick :))) Just dont be surprised when the accusations come out to be all true like with michael jackson, so guess we gonna have to wait till he keels over before the public realises the obvious truth.
And of course lot worse things go on behind the scenes with bribery in the international football unions, to just your local "transfer commissions" by shady mongrels who are allowed to do their business becuase football clubs can get away with anything, and politicians will go on their knees to please them, so they can get vip seats in the nice little bubble away from the disgusting football plebs.
106
#106
19 Frags +

8 people (kids and school staff) shot dead in a school today here in Brazil. May them rest in peace.
Pretty hard to keep a positive attitude with all this shit happening.

oh, and fuck bullying

8 people (kids and school staff) shot dead in a school today here in Brazil. May them rest in peace.
Pretty hard to keep a positive attitude with all this shit happening.

oh, and fuck bullying
107
#107
0 Frags +

I feel as if I choke a lot in every single game I play. TF2, Smash, Rivals, even Pokemon for some reason. Every single time I try to bring home the gold, I just can't.
I'm moving to NC in the summer. I don't know what will happen, I just know that I don't want to leave my friends. It's wierd.
Also math teacher screamed at someone one time for helping another student. I have absolutely no idea why.
I'm raising money for a new computer, but I can't get a real job (I'm only 13), so I take out the trash for $5 a week. It's shit pay, but it's something.
TF2PL Beginner has devolved into offclass central. That's nice.
I really want to learn how to code, but I'm too lazy :\

I feel as if I choke a lot in every single game I play. TF2, Smash, Rivals, even Pokemon for some reason. Every single time I try to bring home the gold, I just can't.
I'm moving to NC in the summer. I don't know what will happen, I just know that I don't want to leave my friends. It's wierd.
Also math teacher screamed at someone one time for helping another student. I have absolutely no idea why.
I'm raising money for a new computer, but I can't get a real job (I'm only 13), so I take out the trash for $5 a week. It's shit pay, but it's something.
TF2PL Beginner has devolved into offclass central. That's nice.
I really want to learn how to code, but I'm too lazy :\
108
#108
-1 Frags +
jevesall my friends have gone uni or died, online friends are retired/gone or dont like me anymore

you are one of the most unlikable people out there i envy people that haven't had an interaction with you

[quote=jeves]all my friends have gone uni or died, online friends are retired/gone or dont like me anymore[/quote]
you are one of the most unlikable people out there i envy people that haven't had an interaction with you
109
#109
3 Frags +
a_m3me(I'm only 13)

quit the game when you still can

[quote=a_m3me](I'm only 13)
[/quote]
quit the game when you still can
110
#110
5 Frags +

I get burned out on tf2 every thursday, but then I don't have scrims for a few days and by sunday I wanna play again. I think one of these days I'm just going to be done and call it quits. Kinda sucks because I only recently got a good pc and don't have to play on a shitty laptop that freezes every 5 seconds for a split second.

I don't think I'm good enough to pursue a phd in my field of studies and it's kind of bumming me out

I get burned out on tf2 every thursday, but then I don't have scrims for a few days and by sunday I wanna play again. I think one of these days I'm just going to be done and call it quits. Kinda sucks because I only recently got a good pc and don't have to play on a shitty laptop that freezes every 5 seconds for a split second.

I don't think I'm good enough to pursue a phd in my field of studies and it's kind of bumming me out
111
#111
4 Frags +
zxpI don't think I'm good enough to pursue a phd in my field of studies and it's kind of bumming me out

If there's one thing you shouldn't knock yourself on, it's getting a PhD. Half of all doctorate students don't graduate.
You're way more than a very VERY difficult degree to acquire, hope you catch an upswing soon partner

E: To add, with my own current down feelings, I'm starting to take interest in Sports PA Announcing/Commentating for Basketball. Obviously I can't gauge effort if I've never attempted it, but I've always had insecurities of my (lack-of) enunciation/clown-like voice. Literally had someone in TF2Center yesterday try to get snarky with me solely because of how I sound. Still can't knock it before I try it, which further outlines exactly how LAZY I am.

[quote=zxp]I don't think I'm good enough to pursue a phd in my field of studies and it's kind of bumming me out[/quote]
If there's one thing you shouldn't knock yourself on, it's getting a PhD. Half of all doctorate students don't graduate.
You're way more than a very [b]VERY[/b] difficult degree to acquire, hope you catch an upswing soon partner

E: To add, with my own current down feelings, I'm starting to take interest in Sports PA Announcing/Commentating for Basketball. Obviously I can't gauge effort if I've never attempted it, but I've always had insecurities of my (lack-of) enunciation/clown-like voice. Literally had someone in TF2Center [i]yesterday[/i] try to get snarky with me solely because of how I sound. Still can't knock it before I try it, which further outlines exactly how LAZY I am.
112
#112
4 Frags +

We played kinda bad in our final match and probably won't be making mid playoffs now

On a brighter note I'm happy I was given the opportunity to play on an alright team despite my lack of experience. I feel proud of my improvements during the season. Long way to go still when it comes to both DM and gamesense, but this season revived my desire to improve both as an individual player and as a team

We played kinda bad in our final match and probably won't be making mid playoffs now

On a brighter note I'm happy I was given the opportunity to play on an alright team despite my lack of experience. I feel proud of my improvements during the season. Long way to go still when it comes to both DM and gamesense, but this season revived my desire to improve both as an individual player and as a team
113
#113
3 Frags +

All my irl friends/family bully me for playing TF2 and can't seem to understand what is happening on my monitor especially when I play jump maps for long time periods. My friends who do understand what TF2 is say "stop playing this dead game already."

All my irl friends/family bully me for playing TF2 and can't seem to understand what is happening on my monitor especially when I play jump maps for long time periods. My friends who do understand what TF2 is say "stop playing this dead game already."
114
#114
1 Frags +
HANSOLOcupMy friends who do understand what TF2 is say "stop playing this dead game already."

They're more or less right, and probably love you enough to tell you the truth to your face.
With that said, as long as you're doing what you like to do, fuck what anyone and everyone else thinks.

[quote=HANSOLOcup]My friends who do understand what TF2 is say "stop playing this dead game already."[/quote]
They're more or less right, and probably love you enough to tell you the truth to your face.
With that said, as long as you're doing what you like to do, fuck what anyone and everyone else thinks.
115
#115
3 Frags +
HANSOLOcupAll my irl friends/family bully me for playing TF2 and can't seem to understand what is happening on my monitor especially when I play jump maps for long time periods. My friends who do understand what TF2 is say "stop playing this dead game already."

DUDE SAME
There's like 2 people in my school who actually play.
Anyways, just don't give a shit.

[quote=HANSOLOcup]All my irl friends/family bully me for playing TF2 and can't seem to understand what is happening on my monitor especially when I play jump maps for long time periods. My friends who do understand what TF2 is say "stop playing this dead game already."[/quote]
DUDE SAME
There's like 2 people in my school who actually play.
Anyways, just don't give a shit.
116
#116
4 Frags +

Update: I'm feeling far better even though it's only been a week since my girlfriend broke up with me. I've been trying hard just to set small goals for myself and so far it's really been working.
I basically set 'life improvements' into 3 categories (work, life, play) and set at least 1 objective/goal that I want to complete for each of them. For example in 'play' I really enjoy running so I set a goal of running 3 half marathons and 1 marathon by the end of the year. For 'life' I would like to save up $5000 to buy my parents old car so I have set that as a goal by the end of the year+objective of driving 3 times a week to get my drivers license. Then for work I've applied for 10 dif jobs this past week as an objective I completed!!
Also decided I want to apply for Army Reserves and volunteer as much as I can within my community.
I'm going through waves of extreme highs and extreme lows this week but I'm just really trying to draw on the highs and realise why they make me happy and keep it that way....which is why I'm writing this.

Update: I'm feeling far better even though it's only been a week since my girlfriend broke up with me. I've been trying hard just to set small goals for myself and so far it's really been working.
I basically set 'life improvements' into 3 categories (work, life, play) and set at least 1 objective/goal that I want to complete for each of them. For example in 'play' I really enjoy running so I set a goal of running 3 half marathons and 1 marathon by the end of the year. For 'life' I would like to save up $5000 to buy my parents old car so I have set that as a goal by the end of the year+objective of driving 3 times a week to get my drivers license. Then for work I've applied for 10 dif jobs this past week as an objective I completed!!
Also decided I want to apply for Army Reserves and volunteer as much as I can within my community.
I'm going through waves of extreme highs and extreme lows this week but I'm just really trying to draw on the highs and realise why they make me happy and keep it that way....which is why I'm writing this.
117
#117
16 Frags +

getting kicked out of the room i just moved into cause the person i'm renting from is starting a masters program in another city out of nowhere. might not even get back the security deposit i gave if i can't move out on time which fucking blows. also my coworkers treat me like dog shit and i have to deal with a limited staff every night along with some customers that for some reason want to fuck with me and i have not the slightest clue of what i did; i can't even get a cup of coffee across the street anymore because of this.

it's probably only going to get worse once i get hormones but i am dead set on doing it regardless of the backlash because i cannot stand holding off or dealing with this anguish anymore. i was actually feeling inspired with my art again but now i'm just kind of tuned out once again because of this onslaught of fuckery. here's hoping that i'll be able to bunk with a acquaintance for a year before i can get my shit ready to get out of this god forsaken state.

i just want to play games with my buds and be happy with myself for once.

getting kicked out of the room i just moved into cause the person i'm renting from is starting a masters program in another city out of nowhere. might not even get back the security deposit i gave if i can't move out on time which fucking blows. also my coworkers treat me like dog shit and i have to deal with a limited staff every night along with some customers that for some reason want to fuck with me and i have not the slightest clue of what i did; i can't even get a cup of coffee across the street anymore because of this.

it's probably only going to get worse once i get hormones but i am dead set on doing it regardless of the backlash because i cannot stand holding off or dealing with this anguish anymore. i was actually feeling inspired with my art again but now i'm just kind of tuned out once again because of this onslaught of fuckery. here's hoping that i'll be able to bunk with a acquaintance for a year before i can get my shit ready to get out of this god forsaken state.

i just want to play games with my buds and be happy with myself for once.
118
#118
-2 Frags +

i'm sema2005 :(

i'm sema2005 :(
119
#119
3 Frags +

i'm not sema2005 :(

i'm not sema2005 :(
120
#120
6 Frags +

every single time i get some momentum and confidence about my skill in tf2 by either feeling like i do generally well or when people compliment me about how i play, later i feel like so fucking worthless and shitty.

this preseason i thought i honestly could've accomplished in the regular season something because i thought i was playing generally well and leaving good impressions on the teams i ringed or tryout'd for, and when i started actually playing for a team i started doing so fucking shit the entire time my head starts hurting so much and by the end of the night i just go to bed on the verge of tears because of how fucking shit i do because i'm letting my team down on a daily basis

while i could actually blame my irl scenario atm for how shitty i've been doing ingame because school has been very stressful and another irl accident that i rly don't like talking about in public put me in mental turmoil, i really don't want to do that, i feel like most people deal with that or worse shit daily and do well ingame meanwhile i'm just being a dumb fucking baby and letting that affect me ingame, also me getting home from school and right away having to get on my computer didn't really help me play well at all

a long time ago i accepted that it's ok if i don't become anything decent in terms of skill level in my time playing tf2 or any competitive game if i end up playing others in the future because i know some people are just naturally not meant to be good at videogames and i really do think that person is me, but i also want to say i accomplished something with the time i've put into games and stuff

i still feel like when i'm completely in peace with myself and relaxed, i feel like i could honestly do decent stuff in tf2 but right now i'm so fucking conflicted and demoralized about everything that happens inside and outside of tf2.

esp since i got cut this season because of how shit i was doing, i feel like i'm never gonna regain my old form when i feel like i was well aware of stuff happening in game and only die to really tough shit to survive and/or the bad habits i've been trying to fix for so long, and that has made me so fucking sad recently, ofc i want to be proven wrong and be in peace with my skill level and myself soon, but who fucking knows at this point

every single time i get some momentum and confidence about my skill in tf2 by either feeling like i do generally well or when people compliment me about how i play, later i feel like so fucking worthless and shitty.

this preseason i thought i honestly could've accomplished in the regular season something because i thought i was playing generally well and leaving good impressions on the teams i ringed or tryout'd for, and when i started actually playing for a team i started doing so fucking shit the entire time my head starts hurting so much and by the end of the night i just go to bed on the verge of tears because of how fucking shit i do because i'm letting my team down on a daily basis

while i could actually blame my irl scenario atm for how shitty i've been doing ingame because school has been very stressful and another irl accident that i rly don't like talking about in public put me in mental turmoil, i really don't want to do that, i feel like most people deal with that or worse shit daily and do well ingame meanwhile i'm just being a dumb fucking baby and letting that affect me ingame, also me getting home from school and right away having to get on my computer didn't really help me play well at all

a long time ago i accepted that it's ok if i don't become anything decent in terms of skill level in my time playing tf2 or any competitive game if i end up playing others in the future because i know some people are just naturally not meant to be good at videogames and i really do think that person is me, but i also want to say i accomplished something with the time i've put into games and stuff

i still feel like when i'm completely in peace with myself and relaxed, i feel like i could honestly do decent stuff in tf2 but right now i'm so fucking conflicted and demoralized about everything that happens inside and outside of tf2.

esp since i got cut this season because of how shit i was doing, i feel like i'm never gonna regain my old form when i feel like i was well aware of stuff happening in game and only die to really tough shit to survive and/or the bad habits i've been trying to fix for so long, and that has made me so fucking sad recently, ofc i want to be proven wrong and be in peace with my skill level and myself soon, but who fucking knows at this point
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