I have an online friend who I've known for 4 1/2 years now. Two nights ago she messaged me about having a hard time, and that she was having really strong suicidal thoughts. She went offline mid conversation, and hasn’t answered any texts or phone calls for the past two days. I don’t want to assume shit, but I’m honestly scared. She’s attempted suicide two times before, and almost died the last time she did.

She had been going to therapy, and was on anti-depressants, but she was horrible with both. She kept things from her therapist, and avoided taking her anti-depressants. She would always talk to me on mumble or steam about her issues, and I’d listen. But at the end of the day there is nothing I can do other than persuade her to take her anti-depressants, and try to get her to talk to her therapist about the shit she brings to me.

Maybe this isn’t the place, maybe this is for past stories, but I’ve been worried sick for the past two days, and I need to vent. It doesn’t feel good not knowing what happened to a close friend of yours. She’s on the other side of the country in Florida, so there’s nothing I can do but hope she replies to texts. Honestly feeling like a bystander who can’t do anything while your friend breaks down is the worst goddamn feeling.

Sorry if no one wants to hear about this. I just feel like shit, and need to vent before I lose my mind.

#32
I had something similar happen with a good online friend a few months back. I added one of his best rl friends on facebook and told her to try to find him / make contact with him. I was pretty damn close to calling his local authorities when she got back to me and said she'd found him and he was okay. He took some time away from the pc after that but when he came back on a week or so later i comforted him but also gave him a lot of shit for doing that to me. I felt like it was important to drive home how scared he had made me, as a way to show that people really do care. I don't really have any advice but hopefully everything turns out alright.

a few years ago, a guy i had been working closely with for 5 years hung himself at my friend's house over a girl.

my friend set up his old room as a guest room for after parties, and i remember laying in there drunk and particularly fucked over one night and i started wondering if he had felt the same way i did when he made the decision.

after the funeral weekend (way too long of a story to tell), i ended up leaving the guy i'd been living with for two years because "life's too short and you don't make me happy".

i found life-affirming friends who i could talk to when i was feeling depressed, that wouldn't judge me and would be there for me. since then i've almost drowned, been to jail, had my house flooded, had a close family member die, and been through volumes of heartbreak and loneliness. every time i go through something and think i can't make it, i think back to my coworker's death. then i remember a time when i laid down next to someone i hated every night. then i remember a time when i needed a man to help pay the bills. it gives me perspective.

these things stayed with me and shaped my life in weird ways. what he did is like a totem that i keep. i used it to make me stronger.

my brain moves in weird ways, so my apologies if this is disjointed or hard to follow.

girl at my school i kinda new died from a crazy asthma attack in pe just a couple days ago. pretty wild :/

I'm the worst at understanding those situations because I cannot possibly fathom the situation I would have to be in for me to even think about suicide

I guess I'm just fortunate but dying really does seem way worse than just about everything

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”

― David Foster Wallace

I've always thought that quote does a really good job of explaining it

Depression is no joke, and suicide is a real problem. Most sources pin it as being the second leading cause of death for males and females aged 15-34. This is pretty much our entire demographic. People who are reading this thread, or who have posted about their inner demons, see that you are not alone. No one here is trying to garner pity or sympathy, it is to show you all that you are not alone.

I have struggled with depression and suicidal ideation for years, and it is not a suffering you have to bear on your own. Teammates, casters, admins, adversaries, many of us have been there, or are there. If you need help, or just someone to talk to, please reach out. I want you, your community, your friends want you to tell someone before hurting yourself. I've seen the aftermath of suicide more times than I care to think about. Everyone always blames themselves. Don't do that to them, don't do this to yourself.

If you are having suicidal thoughts or you need help, reach out to your team, your friends, a forum admin, hell even me. I would rather you do that than lose a fellow TF2 player.

I play eve online and there is a program to help with this called Broadcast for Reps (getting your ship repaired in battle is called repping). So here, in TF2, please call for heals if you need them.

<3

I dunno it just seems like I'm dumb enough to stay by the flames for longer than most

A lot of people with depression probably are the ones that use that as a gateway drug
People who use it for fun probably don't use it as a a gateway
Edit: most of them feel like they have nothing to lose so it doesn't matter

About a year ago my best friend tried to kill himself. I knew he had been going through some really tough times, but I never knew it was as bad as it was.

I don't really want to go into detail about him, but he only sought out help after the incident. A couple days after he got out of the hospital we sat down for the first time in the 12 years I have known him and talked about real issues that he has been having in his life and what he was going through and feeling for the past decade. Soon after he started going to therapy and taking medication for depression. He still has a long road ahead, but thankfully he is doing much better now.

Even so it terrifies me that I could have lost my best friend without ever learning what he was going through. Or that he could have hid his attempt from everyone close to him and continued to suffer alone if he didn't seek out help himself.

We are pretty similar so I know he didn't try to get help sooner because he didn't want to seem like a bother or a burden to anyone, that it was something that he needed to deal with himself. I know first hand that it's incredibly hard to reach out to another person for help, but friends, family, and even video game acquaintances are nothing to be afraid of.

When my dad passed away I was in a really bad place for about a year. I stopped doing stuff I enjoyed, and felt miserable and depressed all the time. I went to a therapist, and it lifted a lot of weight off of my shoulders.

For anyone that needs it, the National Suicide Hotline is: 1 (800) 273-8255

removed

Two girls have committed suicide in two years at my school, both identified as sexual minorities. Which may or may not have affected their decision, but it still makes me really sad that were never fully accepted. Just remember that tolerance means more than what you might think. Suicide sucks =/

Wow, shocked to see so many people in this situation.

I've been hit with 1 suicide, a major death, and almost a 2nd.

My first kiss killed herself about a year ago in highschool, it was so surreal, feeling that someone id been that close to was no longer around.

My best friends brother wound up getting killed by a drunk driver, which, while not a suicide rocked me incredibly hard, I was with my best friend when he got called by his parents. I think we just talked for an hour before he wound up going to his parents. He couldn't even fathom it, he was pissed, depressed, stunned, and seeing him like that actually saved me.

I was going to commit suicide this past summer, my life had become a real shit hole, didn't see a way out. A few things stopped me though, remembering how I felt and how my friend felt, I couldn't do that to my friends and family. Then there was Michael Landsberg's twitter. For those of you not familiar with them, he's a tv host up here in Canada who has depression, and he's dedicated his twitter to talking about his experience, and sharing others as well, little things like saying what he is on an /10 scale each day and asking his followers what they are. Two things stuck out to me, #SickNotWeak and about how suicide isn't a solution, it guarantees life won't get better. Managed to talk myself out of it, and into getting help.

If anyone wants to talk, either in mumble or on steam, add me:
http://steamcommunity.com/id/dreamboat_

You are all beautiful people that are talented and loved <3

*sends internet hugs to everyone*

https://49.media.tumblr.com/ce71295f9cb9232174e22f592020c7f4/tumblr_nqolamD6iU1swk8e0o1_400.gif

I live in Oregon, and while it is very rare to see someone actually go through the process of legal assisted suicide, someone in my town did a few years ago. I don't think the family was particularly well known in town, but news like that travels pretty fast. I think suicide is really particular and interesting from some observing, sobering even. The flip-side must be horrifying and dehumanizing to go through.

I think everyone gets depressed and thinks about suicide, has moments, maybe several days where they really consider it. I know I did because it's actually a nice thought to consider that all pain in temporary and I can leave if I want to. Own a gun for this reason. But as fearful as I can be of life, I am equally if not more scared of death; and as I said earlier, I had came to realization that all pain in temporary, not just because death. but because of the passing of time, and it's probably because this realization that I am still alive.

Depression sucks, but I think it takes a certain type of person to do something dramatic about it, and an even more smaller minority to use suicide as the action to try and overcome it. I'm just glad we have a close enough community where we can actually talk about this sort of thing. It's also really sobering to see how many other people, just in our small community, that have been through similar experiences and feelings.

One of my best friends growing up committed suicide when she was 16 - it was an interesting time because I had just had massive surgery a month prior and had missed that whole month of school, and was due to be back in classes, and then took an additional 2 weeks for events surrounding that particular circumstance. What was shocking to me was anybody who was close to her knew she'd been struggling with depression and anxiety, and had tried to push her into getting help (counseling etc) she did go, but ultimately it wasn't effective - I was with her 3 days prior to her suicide and she seemed abnormally happy. That's always kind of stuck with me as to whether or not there was something I could have done or said.

My second brush with suicide was when I was teaching in the Indiana prison system for GED courses. I had worked with a particular student three times a week for roughly 2 months, and one day he was particularly despondent, because he was set to get out in a few months, but some new charges had been brought against him and he was likely to do additional time. We didn't do any work, we just talked about life experiences and reminisced - I also gave him the names of some lawyers that I know. He kept coming back to his kids he hadn't seen in two years. Then, after we'd finished, he was my last student of the day, so I packed up and went home, and about 20 minutes into my drive home, I got a call from the prison wanting me to come in and talk to them because "there has been an incident and we need a signed statement" so I turned around, and this fellow had killed himself mere minutes after we'd parted. I quit after that.

Usually people who end up committing suicide have a plan in advance, the surest warning sign is that they'll often discuss these plans in advance, or bring it up - people talk about things they're interested in, it's a human thing. If you run into that it's in everybody's best interest to suggest taking some sort of positive action. Being non-judgemental and calm is helpful too.

In 7th grade, there was a guy who was basically Robin Williams.

Nice guy, general pleasant to be around and never seemed down. Then one day, he wrote his mom a letter, and took his life in his back yard.

The worst thing you can do is ignore any feelings you have about ANYTHING. Someone wants to listen, I wanna listen. Your parents, your school guidance counselors, your best friend. Someone. Just seek help, its there, and don't think getting high on anything is good. Anything. In the last two years of Highschool, we've had two kids commit suicide due to depression, one guy drove off a bridge, and one just two weeks ago over dosed on pills. Found by his brother, I think this made people realize that if someone is asking you for help, fucking help them.

This thread is really amazing. I've been dealing with depression for over a year now... in the past few months I really started thinking suicide was a viable alternative. I never made any plans to get it into action, but it's hard not to think about it - especially not when you hate going to sleep because you just don't want to wake up and face another day.

I like reading this thread because it makes me feel less alone. Depression and anxiety leave me in a very dark and lonely place, and social contact tends to help if only a little bit. What helps more is knowing this isn't out of the ordinary. Like many of you guys, I use TF2 as an escape because it's one of few things I legitimately enjoy doing. I'm glad to have that, and I'm glad to share it with all of you.

I hope you all stay strong, it will give me the strength to do the same.

this sucks. I did first too, it would seem so crazy to me if that happened

Some kid that was a friend of my friend (I played baseball against him when I was like 11-12) he got in an argument with his girlfriend and the girlfriend's father told him to leave. Russell (the kid) said he would shoot himself if they made him leave. Walks out into the street. Shoots himself in the head. He didn't die right away but was in the hospital for like 3-4 days. His only chance of survival was a brain surgery that had a -75% chance or so dying during it. He was going to a vegetable regardless the outcome. Russell died about a week ago in the hospital.

It's sad to know somebody I knew and saw a joyful kid playing baseball just no longer be there anymore.

And my friend/neighbors dad murdered his wife and committed suicide by carbon monoxide in the garage after his kids left for school. Steve (the father) was bipolar and their family was in all sorts of debt and stuff. AND his wife recently said she was divorcing him and then he did this. They had 2 kids 13 (now 16) and 17 (now 20). The older kid went into grief counseling and depression therapy. That really helped him through the tough times

girl passed away at my school like 2 months ago really fucks with your brain I wasn't close friends, still think about it everyday.

One guy at my High School back in the day did as well. I also remember another guy a couple grades up that tried to jump off the 4th story building one day during school. But I guess he was talked out of it or physically stopped, and then admitted to the hospital. A close family friend of ours actually did jump off a building a few months ago in attempt to commit suicide. He didn't end his life but messed himself up pretty good breaking 4-5 bones and having to have surgeries and stuff. Thankfully he made it through just fine, and less than a year later he seems to be doing well and his body is in good enough shape to be working a construction job.

It's definitely a really sad part of life when stuff like this happens. Friends and family of depressed individuals need to be careful and stand by them, encourage them and try to get them the help that they need (counseling, possibly anti-depressants etc.) I've been pretty depressed before, but never enough to think about killing myself. It's a dark tunnel and difficult to see the light, but the light is there and will reveal itself if you pull through.

thought about the idea of it a few times but i guess it doesent really hold any sort of ground since im still in those edgy teenage years

everyone matters and how you feel matters. age doesn't mean that it'll go away on its own. learning to live with it and make your life better without external dependency is really important. don't let it get the best of you :)

I've experienced this firsthand. I never considered moving away from home to be a big deal and I'm not exactly an emotional person. But holy shit that first semester hit me like a truck.

The new environment combined with the stress from school, both from the classes and the profs that kept giving us speeches about how hard med school is, how much sacrifice it demands and how we'll never have a normal stress free life. They made it sound like we signed up to be kamikaze pilots.

While I never actually contemplated suicide, I woke up most nights with panic attacks. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control and that I'd never be able to accomplish anything no matter how hard I tried. I was honestly surprised with the way I reacted. I've never felt anything like that until then and I haven't ever felt it since then.

My immune system went down the drain for a while. My roommate at the time and a lot of my colleagues felt the same. I'd go for a walk every evening and talk on the phone with my parents or friends for hours.

I really can't overstate how much talking helps in situations like those. It gets your mind out of the gutter and reminds you that you have people around you. Eventually, I realized that it wasn't so terrifying and I adjusted to it, but I'll never forget those first few weeks.

So yeah a huge shoutout to my teachers that managed to give a hundred people panic attacks and plunge them into deep existential depression.

I've been pretty depressed for most of the second half of this year, and I don't even know why at this point anymore. I haven't been necessarily suicidal, but I would often think about how I would go about it and sort of plan it all out. Around the same time of year I started experimenting with psychedelics, which actually helped at first, but now I feel as though I have developed some sort of temporary psychosis because of using them. One night I found myself overwhelmed with anxiety and terror in my room, so I sat in a corner of my room with the blanket from my bed with the feeling that I was being hunted. I often get these kinds of "episodes" at night in my room.

I've been struggling on and off with self harm as well, which is something that is really hard to admit. You'd think that people who do cut would feel better after they do it, but not for me. I feel even more worthless and depressed after I do it. It's a terrible and addictive thing that I hope nobody ever has to struggle with. I think the worst part about my situation is that I constantly tell myself that there are people who have it much worse than I do, which makes me feel even weaker and worthless. That then makes me feel like I would be a waste of time if I were to reach out to a professional. Some of the people I've met in TF2 are honestly some of my closest friends and I owe my life to some of them for being there to listen. I fucking love this game with all my heart and this community is amazing. I love you all.
And for those who know me, they may know my absolute love for hip-hop. That being said I owe my life to my favorite artists such as Kid Cudi. His music has stopped me from making some really bad choices and I can't be more thankful for the Man On The Moon series. Hip hop was what I would listen to when feeling down, and being a rap fan has become kind of a passion for me because of it. If anyone ever wants to have an unnecessarily long conversation about rap at any point in time hit me up :^)

Suicidal thoughts probably is currently halfway taking over my mind now. Being the first child of 2 siblings, I was given a lot of responsibilities that led me to almost failing each and every single one of them, and one of the reason that I'm currently depressed. Another reason that I currently have depression and almost extreme suicidal thoughts that I've been a victim of bullying for over 6 years. Walking to school everyday, getting pushed around, had let my both physical and mental condition way over edge. Currently I've been playing TF2 and other games alot because truth to be told, I rather talk and play with random online stranger than my irl friends. What I'm saying is, stay strong, mkay? :>

more like a stress relief