NFC South
New Orleans Saints
Projected Record: 13-3
You got critically robbed in the biggest game your team has played in ten years. This is horrible. What is also horrible is giving up Mark Ingram in free agency. He and Alvin Kamara made up the unique thunder and lightning ground game that, when combined with Drew Brees’ record-breaking passing statistics, made an already league-leading offense unstoppable. I don’t want to say this move doomed you to irrelevance, as there’s much more powering your team than the talents of one ball-carrier. The only thing that can doom you now is yourselves. Yes, the league sucks. Yes, the referee staff sucks. But at some point, great teams need to come to terms with winning in spite of poor officiating, instead of losing because of it. The referees didnt lose that game for you, Brees threw an inopportune pick and your defense forgot Greg Zuerlein can hit field goals from 70 yards out… twice. Looking past the forbidden game, this is your best shot at a championship run, and Brees isn’t getting any younger. Let him retire on a high note, or at least win the NFC Championship so I don’t feel obligated to praise an otherwise mediocre NFC team in February.
Atlanta Falcons
Projected Record: 10-6
While not making any particularly big splashes in the offseason, the Falcons made smart picks that suited their needs, investing heavily in new offensive linemen to keep Matt Ryan’s air raid working as intended. For making actually smart decisions, you were rewarded with the end of the Steve Sarkisian era at offensive coordinator. Is there a catch? Absolutely. Your new offensive coordinator is Dirk Koetter. The one thing your pass-centric offense needed is the closest thing to a voodoo curse on passing quarterbacks. You certainly didn’t need to work on the run game. Nope. Not at all. As for your playoff hopes, you will make the wild card, lead a potentially game-winning drive to the red zone, pass the ball four times and get intercepted.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Projected Record: 8-8
There’s lots of turnover on your offense, both in terms of personnel and on-field outcome. Ryan Fitzpatrick is gone, and pretending that you’re a championship contender in the first half of the season leaves with him. The organization seems to be doubling down on Jameis under center, and they’re doing everything they can to rebuild the team around him. Case in point, they hired Bruce Arians as head coach. The Bucs brought in Gordon Ramsay to save their failing restaurant, and anything less than total success is complete failure. Fail to produce a winning season with this new core, and Winston will have overstayed his welcome, shrimp and Uber drivers aside. And if Oakland has taught me anything over the past year, it’s that dragging old coaches out of retirement is a recipe for disaster. On the other hand, dropping off Kwon Alexander for pennies on the dollar when you needed him the most will likely leave you susceptible to getting blown out.
Carolina Panthers
Projected Record: 6-10
Doing nothing is a fantastic way to accomplish nothing. Same cast, same core, same aging injured quarterback who recently experienced an injury that wasn’t his shoulder for once, same complacent head coach whose hot seat started melting in 2017. You cut Torrey Smith for Chris Hogan, which ultimately doesn’t matter because Cam is either going to run the rock himself or not be healthy enough to throw. If he goes down (which, considering your porous offensive line, is an inevitability), you may not have a backup plan to carry you back to comfortably third in the NFC South. Is Will Grier, fresh out of college ball, ready for the big game yet? Do you think Kyle Allen, the new undrafted talent, is capable of being handed the reins to shotcalling just yet? Is Ron Rivera going to get fired within the next decade? The answers to all three questions are most likely no. Panthers fans, I know you want to return to the time where Cam ran all over opposing defenses like a McDonald’s PlayPlace, and I have an interesting offer for you: claim Danny Etling. He’s a fast, hardworking dual-threat quarterback who could probably score more than 10 points in a Super Bowl and he needs a good home.