NFC East

Washington Redskins
Projected Record: 10-6
I am putting this team at the top of its division only because it is customary for the title of “the ‘good’ team” in the NFC East to change hands every single year. Dwane Haskins, as a rollout-oriented, big-bodied pocket passer, has a lot of talent and can develop if he’s properly handled by the administration and cast of characters around him. Lucky for Haskins, he’s got a bunch of other fresh rookies to target in the passing game, the undying Adrian Peterson in the backfield, and… Vernon Davis? He’s still in the league? Anyway, if the Skins can stay healthy this season, they’re a lock for winning their tire fire of a division, but that’s a big if. From Joe Theismann to RG3 to Alex Smith, this team’s notorious for getting its players killed by any means necessary. Starting Ereck Flowers at guard is not the way to keep your quarterback safe. Rest in peace, Dwane Haskins, we hardly knew ye.

Philadelphia Eagles
Projected Record: 9-7
I honestly thought Alshon Jeffery missing the easiest target of his life was going to be the “jumping the shark” point for future Eagles Super Bowl Runs. The laundry list of unsigned free agents, if let go, would have gutted the team’s talent pool and morphed it into an unrecognizable mess. By some front office miracle, however, a few of the team’s marquis talents were retained. Alshon and Darren Sproles were kept around for another season, but big names like Jay Ajayi, Golden Tate, Haloti Ngata, Brandon Graham and Jordan Hicks were left to explore the market. Headlining these free agent departures was Nick “Big Dick Nick” Foles, the rock that the team had relied on for its first and only Super Bowl victory (You’re welcome). Carson Wentz is an incredibly talented quarterback at the start of the season, but he can’t stay healthy for deep playoff runs later on. Filling the playoff warrior void that Foles left behind are Josh McCown and Nate Sudfeld, both a far cry from the abilities of the Great Well-Endowed One. Sprinkle in a little bit of half-hero and half-cancer DeSean Jackson, and you’ve got the formula for a team bound to collapse sooner rather than later.

Dallas Cowboys
Projected Record: 7-9
There is no such thing as a Super Bowl window for this team. Their eligibility ended with the Aikman era, and since then, Jerry Jones has been trying, and failing, to rekindle the same flame that led “America’s Team” to beat Jim Kelly’s hurry-up Bills twice in subsequent super bowls. Dak Prescott’s been a passable quarterback and Zeke was genetically engineered to outrun safeties to the point of attack, but these haven’t been enough to get this team over the hump in recent years. Even with an unsung shutdown defense and the new shrine built to Vander Esch’s neckroll, they often find themselves on the outside looking in later in January. They even got Jason Witten back… or at least what’s left of him after 37 years of age and a year in a cushy Monday Night Football position. However this season, there’s a new wrench (or two) thrown into Dallas’ plans: Zeke is holding out. Dak wants $30 million, or $40 million, or for Jerry Jones to appreciate him as his adoptive father. On well-built and structured teams, the loss of a few talents shouldn’t be enough to tank the entire team, but Dallas is built on raw talent and runs on raw talent. Without his rook, Jason Garrett has to rely on pawns to save his job. No matter how much clapping you do, collecting free wins against the Giants is not enough to save your season.

New York Giants
Projected Record: 1-15
The year is 2025. The Giants are playing in front of a home crowd at MetLife Stadium. Starting quarterback Daniel Jones hands the ball off to Saquon Barkley, but is hit as he exchanges the ball and gets buried into the turf. Barkley, dazed and battered from years of overwork, trots forward in resignation as a sprinting edge rusher takes him out at the earhole. The play results in a loss of 3 yards. Jones and Barkley are hoisted up by their teammates, concussed and sore, only to line up for the next play - the same play, a give to Barkley up the middle - expecting nothing but the same results and the same pain. Giants faithful erupt into thunderous cheering and applause, as this is the most their beloved team has accomplished in five years.
In a retirement home 15 miles from the stadium, Eli Manning sits in a wicker chair trembling and staring glass-eyed at the Manila wallpaper. At only 43 years old, the repeated physical and mental trauma from Ereck Flowers letting him get run over in the pocket left him rattled, with severe CTE advancing his Dementia-like condition. He doesn’t remember his own name, but he recounts old war stories - tales of shelling waves of Boston rebels, cutting them down as they approached, and winning battles far greater than himself - to anyone so kind as to lend an ear.. but nobody offers to listen. The nursing home staff merely provide him with meals and tend to his needs, but scamper away to the lobby to watch more of the Giants game on the television. Eli knows he should feel sad, but does not remember why. Those memories evade him, lost within the war.

NFC South

New Orleans Saints
Projected Record: 13-3
You got critically robbed in the biggest game your team has played in ten years. This is horrible. What is also horrible is giving up Mark Ingram in free agency. He and Alvin Kamara made up the unique thunder and lightning ground game that, when combined with Drew Brees’ record-breaking passing statistics, made an already league-leading offense unstoppable. I don’t want to say this move doomed you to irrelevance, as there’s much more powering your team than the talents of one ball-carrier. The only thing that can doom you now is yourselves. Yes, the league sucks. Yes, the referee staff sucks. But at some point, great teams need to come to terms with winning in spite of poor officiating, instead of losing because of it. The referees didnt lose that game for you, Brees threw an inopportune pick and your defense forgot Greg Zuerlein can hit field goals from 70 yards out… twice. Looking past the forbidden game, this is your best shot at a championship run, and Brees isn’t getting any younger. Let him retire on a high note, or at least win the NFC Championship so I don’t feel obligated to praise an otherwise mediocre NFC team in February.

Atlanta Falcons
Projected Record: 10-6
While not making any particularly big splashes in the offseason, the Falcons made smart picks that suited their needs, investing heavily in new offensive linemen to keep Matt Ryan’s air raid working as intended. For making actually smart decisions, you were rewarded with the end of the Steve Sarkisian era at offensive coordinator. Is there a catch? Absolutely. Your new offensive coordinator is Dirk Koetter. The one thing your pass-centric offense needed is the closest thing to a voodoo curse on passing quarterbacks. You certainly didn’t need to work on the run game. Nope. Not at all. As for your playoff hopes, you will make the wild card, lead a potentially game-winning drive to the red zone, pass the ball four times and get intercepted.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Projected Record: 8-8
There’s lots of turnover on your offense, both in terms of personnel and on-field outcome. Ryan Fitzpatrick is gone, and pretending that you’re a championship contender in the first half of the season leaves with him. The organization seems to be doubling down on Jameis under center, and they’re doing everything they can to rebuild the team around him. Case in point, they hired Bruce Arians as head coach. The Bucs brought in Gordon Ramsay to save their failing restaurant, and anything less than total success is complete failure. Fail to produce a winning season with this new core, and Winston will have overstayed his welcome, shrimp and Uber drivers aside. And if Oakland has taught me anything over the past year, it’s that dragging old coaches out of retirement is a recipe for disaster. On the other hand, dropping off Kwon Alexander for pennies on the dollar when you needed him the most will likely leave you susceptible to getting blown out.

Carolina Panthers
Projected Record: 6-10
Doing nothing is a fantastic way to accomplish nothing. Same cast, same core, same aging injured quarterback who recently experienced an injury that wasn’t his shoulder for once, same complacent head coach whose hot seat started melting in 2017. You cut Torrey Smith for Chris Hogan, which ultimately doesn’t matter because Cam is either going to run the rock himself or not be healthy enough to throw. If he goes down (which, considering your porous offensive line, is an inevitability), you may not have a backup plan to carry you back to comfortably third in the NFC South. Is Will Grier, fresh out of college ball, ready for the big game yet? Do you think Kyle Allen, the new undrafted talent, is capable of being handed the reins to shotcalling just yet? Is Ron Rivera going to get fired within the next decade? The answers to all three questions are most likely no. Panthers fans, I know you want to return to the time where Cam ran all over opposing defenses like a McDonald’s PlayPlace, and I have an interesting offer for you: claim Danny Etling. He’s a fast, hardworking dual-threat quarterback who could probably score more than 10 points in a Super Bowl and he needs a good home.

NFC North:

Chicago Bears
Projected Record: 10-6
It feels like the Bears’ brass only watched their playoff loss to the Eagles and used that to fuel their entire offseason. They congratulated themselves on reversing the Cody Parkey curse, then got complacent and forgot the group had much bigger issues swept under the rug. I mean, sure, you had the best front seven stabilizing what was arguably the best shutdown defense in the league, but having to carry your paralytic offense in the most clumsy 16-game three-legged race of the season is going to put undue wear and tear on Kalil Mack. In fact, the cracks are already starting to show in your cheat code of a defensive foundation: Vic Fangio left to chase Rocky Mountain highs, leaving your defensive talent without the strong leadership that allowed it to thrive. Pray Trubisky develops (I swear we say this every year as if it’s actually going to happen) and a painful Wild Card loss on a missed field goal might be in your future. P.S. Thanks for exposing the Rams and teaching the Pats how to waterboard Jared Goff.

Minnesota Vikings
Projected Record: 8-8
I list this team as 8-8, as that is what they strive to be this season. First, the team announced the definition of .500 to start at quarterback for the second season in a row, after he bitched out his receivers on the sidelines and subsequently outed himself as a team cancer. Next, the team doubles down on their mediocre golden goose and spends valuable draft capital on offensive line depth, giving Cousins just enough time to find that open Bears cornerback. As per South Park, the third step of their rebuilding plan could accurately be “?????”, as I’m sure they have about as much of an idea what they’re doing as we do. I suppose this third step could also be replaced with “waste Adam Thielen’s career” with very little changing to the end product. And no, the Packers will hit their field goals this time. Channel the Purple People Eaters and do everything you can to keep them out of range.

Detroit Lions
Projected Record: 7-9
Another day, another ex-Patriots coordinator trying to rebuild the empire with players randomly generated on Madden. You have, however, made interesting moves to cobble together something resembling a McDaniels offense. T.J. Hockinson looks like the most interesting product to come out of Detroit since the Firebird, though I have my doubts as to if Matt Patricia’s coaching style of “force them through the mold like Play-Doh” will be enough to turn Hock into the next Gronk. Supplemented by Danny Amendola at tiny slot receiver and Jesse James at… other receiving tight end, Matthew Stafford might have just enough weapons to torch defenses the way he’s paid $27 million per year to do… so long as he doesn’t overthrow them. Truth is, Stafford is just a quarterback that is built to throw deep, and with Patricia at the helm, he’s forced into a system where neither the plays nor the receivers can allow him to reach his full potential. This team will not achieve the success it wants until it finds Stafford a tall, lanky, big-bodied, fly-route running champion whose name rhymes with “Candy Floss.”

Green Bay Packers
Projected Record: 6-10
Captain Rodgers: Civil War just hit the box office to rousing acclaim, only to be outdone by the highly successful Avengers: Endgame. Aaron Rodgers can not exist in a world where anyone, let alone Thanos, is a bigger figure than he is. This season, he’s going bigger, bringing in a new puppet head coach to free himself of his horrible McCarthy shackles and rule with an iron fist/belt/Discount Double Check. He is the God King, this is his empire, and he will fiddle as it burns. That or Matt LaFleur will try to teach Rodgers some modesty, in which case the former will be out of a job by January. In an optimal timeline, Davante Adams gets traded to the Lions, so that both he and Matt Stafford can make the most of what careers they have left. Bang on that drum harder, it might save you from a wide left.

Crazy is in position to make finals

Hey now, hey now, this is what dreams are made of

The autumn wind is a shitshow.

Well, August is over, boys. The preseason's winding down, free agent careers have been mercilessly cut short and season-ending injuries have already been passed around the league like a joint in a LAN hotel room. Cut down day for the final 53-man rosters is this Saturday, and the first official game kicks off in a week. We all know what this means...

We get to see the spectacle of teams relying heavily enough on the new PI challenge to make themselves relevant.

Since my team won this past Super Bowl, I'll do the honors of cobbling together a league-wide season preview for all of you to read appreciate downfrag.

In the meantime, use this thread to circlejerk about new rookies and bitch about awful front office decisions. I know we have some Giants fans here.

gg to matches, sorry yall were struggling with ringers but i appreciate playing tonight

fr tho who knew that, of all things, it would be hurricane dorian that killed competitive tf2

When are we gonna do this but with tftv shitposters

The losers get permabanned from the site

Some people are capitalist

Some people are communist

But me? I'm pocket soldier

This says a lot about our society

https://i.imgur.com/dGhwej2.png

Why does every single sigafoo-based Rgl ban sound like it should start with "dear diary," and what do these players getting banned have to do with sigafoo

Of course, simplifying it to "banned for shitpost" would be turbo petty and taking Olympic swimming pools worth of piss

this big time, though arthur takes a close second

also fr fuck caillou that little shit deserves no sympathy

so now that youre on your flight / in the UK, what did you forget to pack?

Luigi's voice is super deep so you'd think he'd be pretty large in theory

He showed up at rgb4 at like 4'8" 90lbs bro I was stunned

the last time valve did anything with the tf2 soundtrack they leaked the next big update the month prior

not tryna jinx anything but