I think you're doing good.
First link appears to be a dumm/beater cast?
Main point of criticism I can offer is that you sometimes take over completely and keep play-by-playing. Even if some action is happening it's alright to just let the analysis take over for a bit. Some moments like that are in the gully sauna slayer/ascent game with eemes.
It's important for both casters and the viewers that there's a back and forth, even if a lot of action is happening.
Idk about most people but if play-by-play goes on for over a minute I tend to start zoning it out. I assume a lot of viewers eventually just focus on the gameplay instead of the commentary like I do if there's little variation
Just a thing that comes with experience. Plenty of play-by-play casters start off that way. I remember in the gully game eemes said he didn't want to interrupt, but imo any caster should be able to interrupt the other if they go for too long. it helps the overall quality of the cast from the perspective of the viewers