cringe warning + spurred cause of the AGE and TF2 thread
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: a while ago i accidentally started chatting with the kid of someone i used to play with bout a decade ago, using the old acc thatd been offline for like 2 years. it was interesting knowing who the kid was talking about, telling how the dad used to play with friends. ended up playing a few rounds w the kid, sniper still had the team colored brown bomber and strange huntsman we scrounged up (elementary!) lunch money + spare ref for. we thought we were a slick bunch for managing to get it all together and name/desc'd in a week when we found that kid was being born. the servers been dead since new years eve 2012, out of like 12-15 of us most stopped playing/interacting in the skype chat within the year. at some point it was just me and 1 other dude occasionally chatting/gaming til i found out he sent his bike through a fence leaving a party in 2017.
actual vent: it almost rubs me raw when i hear/see people who are able to just get out cold turkey and are able to do the whole livin life shindig. 100% i was addicted to the whole dopamine chase of tf2/digging giant fucking holes in minecraft, for... years at best, this whole past fucking decade at worst. like i did the sports (comp swim for 7 years total, managed to get into states weighing @ (fat) 248lb and showed up with "varsity" team @ 300 lmfaooo) i did piano, i had the opportunity to do college with a bit of $cholarship, worked for the past 5 years, long term (ex)gf, good friends online and irl! I went did shit i never thought id dream of going out and doing when i was in almost the same situation, with some of these same people in 2015! I parted out +sold my pc and for like 2 maybe 3 months at that point 0 pc/mobile games. Didn't even interact with any discords all too often till july rolled (lowkey proud of that pun ifykyk) around. I thought I'd be able to be productive, fix my truck, help my dad fix up the house, finally start doing ghetto fab/metal work again, all the cool shit I'd see people leave to do and did what I wanted to do. I even started really looking into mitigating (vs just knowing effects) adhd shit/not being dumb af and was (at some point) excited to put it to use. And i started lifting like 2 months before i sold the pc!
There was a day where i clocked fucking 22 hours 13 minutes of screen time on my phone. the next day? fucking 20ish hours, albeit there was like 7-8 hours of driving and just having podcasts on for that one. I'm pretty sure the only reason the previous day didnt clock 24 is cause i fell asleep for the 6ish hours before i needed to do that drive. most devastatingly crushing 3 months ive dealt with. near the middle-end of july i got poked and prodded by the group to play minecraft and surprisingly it handled aight on my laptop, couldnt move/use the trackpad at the same time however so i just settled for staring at these other gremlins while they played and would say "the watcher sees (player actions)" while standing in the trees or on ontop of a house. Also ran a bit where my wireless earbuds would hear me laughing and giggling like a dumbass but i would refuse to speak in vc, only responding in game (and ofc flaming/annoying the homies ingame).
dopamine addiction/withdrawl/fucking whatever had me by the balls and i hadnt given it the slightest thought about it til i realized what i did was the funniest thing ive ever done in my life, and arguably the best day ive had in a year and some change. Its been like 2 months and i still think i peaked comedy wise, and its still the best day in hindsight. but its a bit sobering to realize why i hold it with such high regard. At least with alcohol you feel the hard check when youre gagging again and almost having to fight taking a drink only a couple beers in, even with pacing it.
idk i was malding earlier and its been 2 hours since i started typing this out. if anyone feels me on this or sees a similarity or whatever, just do what makes you happy man. whos to say I cant look at my truck for 10 minutes and just tidy up some cracked vacuum tubes thatve been sitting aside for 3 years and call that good and head out to a car show to sell stuff with my buddy, its my fucking truck and thats more action the engine bays seen than it has seen in a long time. Mad your server wont boot because HP made the shitass p410i RAID controller and iLO3 is being a pain? drink a beer and just hang out bookmarking stuff that might be useful. it aint getting fixed now and doesnt need to be up soon so take your time and learn about it a bit more. stay yourself, fake it when you need it. masks can be taken off but being miserable is something that sticks to you.
put away some shit in the garage and mowed the lawn.
Noticed that i actually had another (real) post on this page, for continuity i sold my pc pretty much 2 weeks after that post. I'm pretty sure the hit stims in game and irl post was after I did a bump and was playing out of my mind at like 3am PST on EU servers in a cod styled game called Ironsight lmfao