i just want to be happy for fucking once. every single time i think things are going good and theres actually some hope at the end of the road, something new always pops up and just fucking instantly deletes that. thought for once i'd get to live in a home for longer than a year or two, nope, gonna be homeless in a few months since we're already living in the cheapest possible option nearby. thought i would finally find a hobby worth pursuing and enjoying, nope, even after 9,318 hours in one singular thing im still the worst player in the entirety of the division im in, and yet here i am, ruining the experience for five/eight other people who were/are trying to improve or play well. thought i could finally maintain friendships for longer than a few months, nope, only things i ever message to people are stupid fucking messages that they could care less about and i still dont talk to anyone on a regular basis, maybe one person every 3-4 days, and i think that those people i do end up speaking to either forget the useless conversations we have or have their days ruined by it.
i have no passion for literally anything anymore and its driving me insane, i just want to care about life, the things im doing, and to enjoy all of life to the fullest but i fucking cant since it's always going to return to this state, regardless of what singular, amazing thing that might happen to break this. im mentally/emotionally miserable and unstable, my body is in so much pain from all the problems i have with my knees, back, ears, and hands, and i cant even find any enjoyment in literally anything, online or out in the world. why even bother holding out hope at this point.