Yah, that was used in the ESEA S13(?) Highlights vid. Another thing I noticed aside from everything above is that you didn't correct your STV footage. It's more time-consuming, but if you want a quality product you have to put it in.
What you want to do is lower viewmodel_fov_demo down to 54, and then go back and re-record it with the GreenScreenHUD (google it), and change the deathnotice colours in hudlayout.res. Son of Dad has done a whole tutorial series on movie-making, and I definitely recommend checking them out as they teach everything you need to get to at least an average level (everything beyond is your own creativity and familiarity with software).
Here's the tutorial series:
Also I want to add onto what was said about going with emotion and your intro. The post-piano intro section of the song is pretty clearly just that, an intro, so it should be used like that. Basically what you have there is the most suspense-creating moment of the song being used to do something completely different. You should use that section as a buildup to the opening frags, generally through a series of smooths to set the scene for the viewer. Watch any video by decap or subtitled and you'll see what I mean.
Basically the emotion of the song dictates every single thing about the video. Determines colours, determines pacing, determines any speedups/slowdowns, determines how quickly you cut the clips together, everything. Laurence is a very fast-paced and energetic song, so leaving in chunks of downtime, and frags that just drag on, just won't work. You want to either pick a song you can easily work around, or reject any frag that you can't edit to fit the atmosphere created by it. Here's how it was done before: