ulmyxxwhy do i keep comparing myself to others, also why is it that when you have nothing to do(vacation) you are often the most depressed, thank you.
I relate to this on so many levels!
I have taken a gap year after high school, and whilst I know it will be great at the end as I'm saving up for a holiday around Europe I do at times feel unhappiness. I have a job and a decent social network to keep myself occupied, but I am still no where close to as busy as I was previously in high school. This has resulted in extensive 'alone time' where I often touch the sensation of dwindling away from society due to the fact that I have a tendency of overthinking. I struggle because whilst I do have a job, it does not pay a decent amount which means all my money goes towards savings and I am unable go out with my mates and other sick cunts in my life as much as I desire.
After high school you have to create your own goals and figure out who you are as a person which has been a personal goal of mine this year, however as of yet, I have not come close as my day to day life is monotonous, I desire many goals, but my motivation for whatever reason is excessively low which means I'm unable to sustain a happy life as I don't attain my desires on being an integrated member in society.
I am also alike in the fact that I often compare myself to those surrounding me, especially my girlfriend and my close friends who all seem to be achieving much in life, and whilst I'm grateful for what they have accomplished. I often feel the need to endeavour their great feats. Except I have this irrational belief that I’m not great at anything. I have always felt pretty average compared to those surrounding me, as throughout my life I've always done no better than 'what's required', rather than going above and beyond.
Additionally tf2 is fairly unpleasant for myself at the moment as the only consistent pug system (pugchamp) is inherently flawed due to the fact that it greatly rewards players who are good enough but those who are untalented are unable to play. An example being myself where I do not have time to commit to a team...okay I know this juxtaposes what I have said previously about taking a gap year, however my work shifts often take place during scrim times. Pubs are simply to boring as they are pretty stagnant. I honestly miss when tf2 center was regularly populated due to the ‘first in, best dressed’ scenario.
TLDR: I just want to feel motivated and achieve happiness, whilst knowing I have done my part in the short time I am in this world.