A loooong while back I posted about feeling paranoid about what my friends thought about me and it made me overanalyze everything they said and did which led to bad situations that could have been avoided very easily. The worst part is that I was only paranoid about people I cared for, so my brain kept telling me these people were being fake or didn't actually like me and it made things really bad several years ago.
Well, the past couple of years that has almost never been an issue and I've never gotten truly depressed in that timespan. The catch is that it's because I spent so much time being busy with my career and school and eventually even when I had a lot of free time on breaks and even now, I just stopped catching up with most of my friends. Can't very well analyze what people do or say if you don't talk to them in the first place, right? It makes me miss my old friends even when I try to catch up since I never talk to any of them the way I used to, the only real time I spend a decent amount of time with them is if I go to parties with them and chill for a while but it's usually months before I do it again with them since i usually hop from friend to friend irl. It's MUCH worse for all of my online friends.
Idk, it seems super lame to get really upset about not feeling the pain I felt years ago, but in some ways it happened because I had some really really good and close friends both irl and online that I felt a strong connection to. I miss that connection and in some ways it was well worth feeling paranoid sometimes. It's a really weird balance that's difficult to explain and some people would likely find kind of stupid especially if they think "hey, just talk to them then. you aren't shy or awkward, and you just need to remember that they're your friends". I wish I knew why I couldn't just fix everything despite that truth.
Nowadays I could coast along how I am, continue a great and lucrative career, and be relatively happy most of the time. I'd imagine a lot of people would love to he in my shoes, but I'd trade it all for a cheap life with an ok job and some really close and special friends by my side again (but without the paranoia, if I'm giving stuff up I need SOMETHING better than what I had before).