Snuck some alcohol from parents cabin for a friends party the following weekend. Fastforward a week to the party. 4 of us playing board games until we're alone. We take pyramid shots to see who could do it the faster. (Mainly jack daniels whiskey and bacardi rum) it was a 6 shot pyramid. (i won :D) Most of us handled it pretty well were perfectly fine. But one of my friends for god knows why goes and does another 6 shot pyramid. Then we attempt to start playing catan again, it didnt work :(. We had ordered pizza earlier and were waiting for it to show up. My really drunk friend wanted to answer the door. (At that point he was just shit faced and the rest of us were tipsy or sober.) So the doorbell rings as we are walking up the stairs and my friend says "pizzas here" My drunk friend wanted to answer the door very badly, but us not wanting to be rude to the pizza guy. So i dragged him up the stairs and told him nothing was going on. So its pretty late and my friends parents get home. Luckily, jesus was looking out for us on this one, my friend needs to take the longest shit ever. (hes still shitfaced at this point) It was literally like 15 minutes, made the whole upper level smell like ass. So after that we my friend to calm down and play some scary stair and corridor game. (cant remember the name right now, you just walked down stairs and through hallways.) He played that for like 1 hour, we heard some of the funniest jokes in our life from him while he was still drunk. My favorite one being, "Mario doesnt need condoms, he just uses pipes." So he starts getting pretty tired, this whole time we were getting him to drink a lot of water. We really wanted him to sleep so we snuck sleeping pills into his water and had him drink it. He finally goes to sleep. Us still kinda hyped up about the night wanted to fuck with him. We got dick shaped objects, bananas and hot dogs, and started shoving them down his pants. This is where the good part starts. He freaks the fuck out, kicks the legs of my friends table off, gets up and starts running around. I tackle him and hold him down with my friends. Then randomly he starts going off on this whole thing about being back in Vietnam. This went on for about 5 hours, FML. I heard some scary shit but i couldnt stop laughing. This whole time i had him held down with like a choke hold and my legs wrapped around his locking him in place. His grandpa was a Vietnam war vet. So he heard some scary shit and was saying it practically word for word from hes grandpas point of view. This whole time we had to hold him down and he was pretty much still sleeping. But we could interact and talk with him. The parts where it started to get bad he would try to get up and run around and freak out. He would talk about everything from his grandpas perspective. Then he started going off on some beatles shit, he watched like an hour long beatles conspiracy thing with my friend. So we started getting him to calm down with beatles music and he would sing along with it. Weird ass night to say the least. Looking back on it, it brought us closer together and we can have a good laugh about it now. Through the course of it a lot of funny things happend that i didnt remember where they happens exactly. Like i did a foot race with my drunk friend. While he was sleeping my friends dog humped him for like 10 minutes. My friends clothes were soaking wet so we had him put on some of my others friends clothes and he was free balling it in my friends clothes.

To this day nobodys parents have found out.

worked at a grocery store

Oh boy
1. Wanted glasses so I went to the doctor and said the letters wrong, eyes got used to it and now I have contacts.
2. In preschool showed another kid my dick
3. Called preschoolers idiots and assholes cause my mom road raged and I picked up on it
4. Spent an entire day trying to rhyme something with orange cause my kindergarten teacher said it couldn't be done.
5. 3rd grade I shaved my head for 50 bucks, no one gave me shit
6. used my older brothers shaver and cut myself in 4 places real deep
7. Punched a kid so hard he puked
8. masturbated during state standardized testing
9. Ate yogurt land 3 times in a day, ended up pretty much shitting my pants
10. made a picture of a hot anime girl from a sidebar add my desktop background when I was in 4th grade
11. Slept overnight on a boat with an entire class of kids, kid woke me up cuase I had to escort him to the bathroom, I sat up really quick hit my head and yelled "SHIT" everyone woke up and the kids learned a new word.
12. Called teacher a faggot (never meant gay to me)
13. got in shouting match with the same teacher ^^^ in 7th grade
14. Cut myself on my thumb, with a knife, didn't get stitches though. thank god
15. Stood on the wrong spire in badlands thinking I was capping it for about 4 minutes
16. Made a subreddit of a teacher, teacher sorta confronted me... r/urbassik
17. Made the worst first impression by tripping infroont of my math teacher

To Be Continued...

do you work with mgib?

Back in my first year of air cadets, on the very first day, all of the new people who joined (including me) were gathered around and introduced to what air cadets was (basically what it's about, what you learn here etc, similar to scouts I guess). Well anyways, the person telling us everything wanted everyone to introduce themselves, like our name, age, and lastly (this is key) what our biggest dream in life was.

Well me being the idiot I was (12 at the time) tended to take things a little bit too literally. I thought that by dream, he meant the biggest dream you had (while sleeping), instead of your life's biggest accomplishment. I was confused at one person who said their biggest dream was winning a million dollars (which I thought, well it's a fucking dream, it isn't even real).

It was now my turn and I said my name and age, what part of the area I was from and stuff. Then comes the part where I had to say it. I will quote this. I said "and my biggest dream in life was jumping off a cliff and flying." Literally half the people started laughing and the other half just had what the fuck looks on their faces. Me still being the dumbass I was got even more confused as to why people were laughing at me. The guy sitting beside me said it was the strangest dream to have in life he has ever heard before. I just said "no it was fun dude, I was flying and shit, it was pretty surreal."

God I was so dumb.

secretly added bitcoin mining code into ESEA client and blamed someone else :X

meeting alfunkso.

i still love this guy <3

I told you that in confidence

no but I worked in a grocery store bakery... absolutely horrible

and don't think I'm an elitist and look down on unskilled labor jobs.. its just the work environment as a young adult in most grocery stores is extremely depressing as all you see is essentially failed lives where you know everyone there regardless of how old is gonna be at that store working $8/hour for another 20 years

shout out to frank the 1 armed janitor

.

I got accepted to all the university programs I applied to the day after I got arrested, suspended for 5 days, and almost charged for possession of marijuana and breaking a kids nose. I'll be doing my undergrad in Criminology then going to law school. THE FUCKING IRONY. Time to smoke some fucking weed and celebrate.

lock this thread up.

/thread

Did a research paper with a partner and let him use wikipedia as a source and got an F

Dated 4 girls at the same time.

Needless to say, none of them has said a word to me since the day they found out

made a team based around redban

Broke up with my current girlfriend a month or so ago over something stupid, we got back together immediately but it was dumb nonetheless.

This isn't the "smart shit you've done" thread

I once covered up a sexual relationship from when I was younger (around 13) and then proceeded to blatantly lie about it to my family. It's the only big lie I've ever told to my parents (with whom I have a positive and loving relationship with).

I woke up this morning thinking there was a big snake in my bed so I grabbed it and started smashing it into walls and tables... Then I realize it is just my other hand and I just slept on it.

I was 8 years old and with a friend. We found a needle, nothing in it, don't worry. Like the naive one I was, I injected myself with it.

I couldn't go anywhere for the next 2 weeks because I'd shocked myself into submission. .-.

dayum pure
you smart fuck aha

Went on a trip to Whistler for the Telus festival. There was a miscommunication between cars, and there ended up being over an ounce of weed there, for about 10 people to smoke in 2 days. We basically all smoked nonstop, all day and night the entire trip. It was all free, paid for by our ski club, and basically amounted to being comatose in the hot tub after snowboarding both nights.

So, fast forward to the end of the trip, we end up having about 6 joints to smoke in our car of 3 people in the 2.5 hour drive to the border crossing, and being the smart college students we are, we decided to smoke all of them, inside the car, right up until we get to the Canada/US border. When we got there, a border agent took my friend's passport, sniffed it, passed it to his border agent friend to smell, then said "Your passport smells like marijuana". At that point, I was a bit concerned, because I was under 18, had an expired passport, and had a bottle of whiskey in my bag, not to mention we all reeked, as well as our car. So, they spend 2 hours searching our car with drug dogs, telling us how bad weed is and that "Just because it's legal in Washington doesn't mean its federally legal, blah blah blah" and making passive aggressive comments about how drugs will fry your brain. After searching, they don't find anything and let us go scot-free. Still scared the shit out of me.

buy electronics from japanese websites

I preordered Duke Nukem Forever

took a piss at a street corner as cops are passing by, they saw me and just went on their way, this was when I was 19 for a celebration my town has called Irish Day

My School Life.

2nd grade, at lunch i kicked a boy right in his asshole for taking my cornbread

3rd grade, dragged my best friend across the floor into the dirty old school shower-like thing with this other kid, ran back to the classroom and tripped and screamed "bitch" loud as humanly possible

3rd grade again, i took one of the school milk containers and caught three cicadas with it, then released them in the classroom after recess

5th grade, i liked this girl, so i decided to intelligently do pelvic thrusts behind her
and was seen

7th grade, this kid ate my chicken patty, so i thought it would be smart that after gym, i would wait outside the gym locker room and knock the shit out of his books onto the floor( had to help him clean it up and then got detention)

8th grade, copied this girls math test, wasn't caught, but apparently she wasn't as smart as i expected, as she failed the test with 8/24

Well, now I'm a junior in high school, with a 3.6 gpa
I'm not bad, just a bad decision maker

I took a golf cart from a hospital parking lot on a joy ride. Almost got arrested for grand theft auto.

Made my name, "<--- MiNi" with the arrow pointing to a trashcan as a joke and some guy thought I was him in a server, and commented on his post above.

Hi Killemdeader! ;)

summer camp, i beleive 2nd grade.
i took my counselors mountain dew and took a huge piss in it at night, i put it back where it was and he drank it the next morning (it was full at the time dumped it first) and he drank it. and he asked why it tasted weird. regret that because he found out and made me clean the table for the rest of the remainding 3 weeks.

are we gonna make this thread "weirdest place you've ever jerked off"

mine is a public bus, my friend's is a church pew

Fuck this thread makes me feel old.