In prep for the match tonight, don’t forget to:
8:45 EST: take a cold military shower, washing your ass, back, and aiming arm with dish soap. Rinse and reapply twice.
8:50 EST: shave your arm hair and clip your fingernails. Leave your toenails alone if you have carpet/rug as they provide superior grip.
8:52 EST: put on your nylon gaming sleeve and gi. Forego ordinary forearm lubricants for maximal static attachment of the nylon to your skin.
8:53 EST: crush a B-vitamin complex and snort. To help with the pain, commence Wim Hof’s box breathing for 3 sets or until you can exhaust a bacon grease fire by exhaling sharply through either nostril.
8:54 EST: Minimize sensory input sources: Blackout blinds, sound cancelling earbuds. Put on a loop of the Lion Turtle Chant from Avatar just above your auditory perception threshold. Meditate and continue breathing.
8:59 EST: In one fluid motion, take your seat at your computer’s bar stool and plant both feet flat. Ensure your forearm is parallel to and fully resting on the desk. Put on your Gunnars.
9:00 EST: Pre-emptively DM the DIV admin objecting to the other team’s ringer and join a counter jump server: all classes vs. the pocket soldier, no scout v scout.
9:10 EST: While restarting your computer, do 5 burpees, then ingest 0.75mg of caffeine for every 1lb of body weight and chase with 8 ounces of water with a 1/4 teaspoon dissolved salt. If you have ammonia handy, sniff it.
9:15 EST: 2v2 chillypunch blandsmid, full aggro, fastest possible pace.
9:29 EST: as a team, recite the team mantra 7 times sequentially: “I am unworthy of love, recognition, comfort. Human rights are a myth. I take what I want by the strength of my arm and the skin of my nuts. I will rape and pillage to the stars. I deserve to reproduce”
9:30 EST: Scrim each half with an alternating eye closed. Play the second half in total silence, no game audio or coms.
10:30 EST: win