Towards the end of my time on the team, I became more and more frustrated that I couldn't create any change to make the team into what I thought was better, and that was mainly due to saxophone. Saxophone is so hard to get through because his values and what he thinks is right/wrong is almost set in stone. He looks up to the guys in MILKIES discord and listens to them but he doesn't understand what makes them good or why what they say is right (which in itself can be a terrible relationship for both parties).
It's hard to have a meaningful conversation with him because in the two types of defenses I've seen from him, you aren't really talking to him anymore. In a tf2 related argument, he references a good player's opinion, a few times using b4nny's team as a reference. But by reference it's a little more on using it as his justification. The second one was when I got cut from the rgl 6v6 cup earlier this season. All of his reasonings felt purposely vague (aside from not liking that I left) so that I couldn't make a rebuttal. I remember being frustrated, thinking "why can't we just talk about this".
spoilers: messages from the rgl 6v6 cup
I know this started way back from when I first joined the team. I usually stay quiet and don't try to voice my opinions of what I think is right or true, but that is what I wanted to change this time around. I'm not very experienced with being in social situations but I still wanted to be able to learn, and in my mind, even if I had a new enemy afterwards it would be a worthy chance. But combine that with having a generally serious and confident aura, it lead to a me who is confident and impervious, which definitely isn't me. I am flawed in a lot of ways, but obviously I don't have to say that because anyone can say that about themselves, but that was the point I wanted to make in the essay when I first joined the team. I know I am lacking, but that is why I wanted to have my flaws accepted and for others to help make it easier for the things I am working on, which in this case was respecting me and giving me the floor.
The way I approach the team is in a way self centered. I want my teammates to get better and I look at that as a skill I can improve on. When I criticize something on the team especially yesterday, I genuinely like to see when something gets solved or learned because of it, but that doesn't mean that I exclude myself from my criticism. I view myself as right there with the rest of the team, just that the things I criticize myself on, I work on afterwards.
I'm sorry for leaving yesterday. I kinda forced myself to because every other time I stuck with something I didn't want to, it would always turn into a terrible experience, plus I believed in the theory that how I felt would affect how everyone else would feel.
sax you say we're still friends, but we're really not. Friends don't villainize each other without considering how they would feel about it. I poured my heart into the paragraph at the beginning of this conversation, but in the end, your mind was so set that no matter what I said, it'd be nearly impossible to have changed anything. I don't know if you even reread the essay I was referencing. Even the attitude you've shown me afterwards was so serious and such a big leap from your fun side that I doubt you'd feel comfortable talking to me normally. I hope you know how your counter points are filled with holes and how frustrating it is to not have a heart to heart not only because there is a relationship on the line, but also because my perspective isn't being considered nearly as much as I'd like it to be.
There are a lot of times where I've felt uncomfortable doing a certain action because I'd feel like doing that action would make them think less of me, which shouldn't normally happen if your not too self conscious. But around sax I felt that I was being judged for the things that I do instead of the kind of person I am.
I feel like sax wants respect but I just can't give it to him. He prides himself too much for how much he's still learning. And too much to show any vulnerability. This is only the conclusion though, the reason why I started to arrive at this conclusion was because I tried to give him that respect but it felt wrong, like I had to force it, and I think that speaks volumes.
In conclusion, I had a very stressful time on the team due to sax, but its not like I've never been the same person sax is. The whole point of this post is to be genuine as possible. If there's things on my mind, I'll say them, whether they're good or bad. And this is a review one point in time, just because you agree with what I'm saying doesn't mean that sax is forever the antagonist of a story. We've all been there, maybe even as pathetic as me. But that doesn't the person they are is set in stone.
kots kinda feeds sometimes...…………. just sometimes
averted is pretty good but too loud
socksfoot, didn't know he existed