i didn’t know where else to post this. i hate the person ive allowed myself to become.
While I can't relate to some of the specific feelings and emotions you're experiencing, it seems clear that you are decently self-aware of those emotions. Something that helped me a lot when I was feeling like this about my depression and anxiety was finally looking into therapy as an option.
I will heavily preface that by saying that therapy can be very different from person to person, clinic to clinic, and therapist to therapist. In order for therapy to be effective, you should do some research and try and find a good match for you. Therapy also is a bit of a 2 way street in the sense that on some level you need to make an effort or want to be there. I don't think you need some sort of specific goal or improvement in mind, but just going every week and not wanting to be there or not wanting to help make an effort will make the experience minimally helpful. Therapy also isn't for everyone and other people find these kinds of answers from different outlets; I just wanted to share what experiences have worked for me and tips for trying to make those experiences work because I know what it's like to feel helpless and hate yourself.