I'm no expert in satire, but I think when it comes to news satire a la The Onion, the best way to go about it is to go for an "uncanny valley" level of believe-ability in your writing. By that I mean, it's just serious enough in tone and presentation to be believed, but there's something that's just off about it. One thing that helps IMO, is to keep it professional and don't say dumb shit in the article unless you're quoting someone. (That's not to say all of The Onion articles aren't like obviously a joke, but IMO some of the better ones are at least somewhat believable.) There's some stuff in the article you wrote that just hit me as "very obviously a joke" and IMO that hurts it a bit. You're not going for "Euro Shitpost" levels of irony, where it's laid on so thick you feel like there's Vaseline smeared on your screen, but just a tinge of it.
That's even doable when it comes to stuff like what you've written, but I think you can come at it from a different angle, like:
"Center for Disease Control Issues Quarantines For Mass AIDS Outbreak Following Late Night PUGs"
"Several prominent Team Fortress 2 competitive figures have come down with serious illnesses following a streak of late-night matches on the PugChamp service.
'I sweat to Christ, if they don't ban the Loch-N-Load for pugs, I'm going to personally drive up to b4nny's dumpster and give him the gnarliest wedgie that retard has ever seen.' - B3arodactyl, who was among those infected.
After issuing the quarantines, which encompassed the homes of the affected players as well as the data centers that hosted the PUG service, the director of the CDC issued the following statement:
'I was watching someone stream pugs on the night of Monday, September 2nd, and the second I saw someone try to market-garden a heavy on mid, I knew we were going to have an epidemic on our hands if I didn't do something to stop it.'
The PUG service is said to be up and running again by the evening on Tuesday, September 3rd, and the administrators warn that anyone who perpetrates another outbreak will be c-restricted and banned until they can provide a doctor's note stating that they went and received a full checkup and a shot of penicillin.
'This would've never happened if we just used Faceit.' - b4nny, via a note tied to a rock that was thrown into my car windshield off of an overpass."
IDK if anyone would consider that better, but IMO it reads more like an article with some dumb shit in it instead of just a full-fledged shitpost.